Truth be told, people! I am feeling so drained these days! And I'm not just talking about the tiredness that has set in thanks to the numerous project related debacles that fall at me every day!I have been thinking... and it suddenly occurs to me... I am surrounded by many people and yet... I feel as though I am all alone. Now before I have angry and distressed protests from well wishers, I'll clarify that I don't particularly mind.
Ever since my school days, I have seen myself drift through various groups of friends... I merely was a catalyst in bringing together people and then, when the rest of the gang was close enough, I moved on... in good terms with everybody as they stayed in touch while I was slowly forgotten. And before people scream that I sound like a brat who's whining non-stop, I shall apologize for having given that sort of an image.
Now for the surprise... I actually don't mind moving on... now that I think about it, there was never a person with whom I've shared all my fears and aspirations... And no... I shalln't be starting now. I fear it is too late for people to come knocking at my doors, hoping to be my confidantes and waiting for me to bare my soul!
I remember a time when I was younger... I had hoped all my friends would probably hear me out when I was undergoing my bouts of depression... but it was quite a wake up call when I heard someone discuss how much they wished I wouldn't whine... especially when I hadn't opened up at all... I guess that was when I had decided that if they thought so when I was merely being friendly... and well, a little under the weather, god forbid! What would they say if I did open up? I understand that I am quite the tough nut to crack and I am not going to help people understand me. Heck! I wish I knew how! =)
But ever since that incident, I have always been the epitome of cheer outside... the regular funny girl... the one who supplied all the laughs... while deep inside, I sighed as I thought of how many more people would just laugh and not look beyond the smiles... And it occurs to me. They never will. And strangely, I am relieved to know that!
Having said all this, I should also add that my cat probably knows more about me than any person does! Strange? I find it soothing.
Image © Perceval in Belgium via Flickr
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