That cruel temptress.... Hope

Hope.... Men have languished from the lack of it. Poets and Philosophers have extolled its virtues and merits. And the wise have warned the masses about having too much of it.

And yet, our lives continue on as ever with hope as the driving force. And I am no different. Having a name which alludes to the same bane hasn't helped my cause at all. On the contrary, it has only driven me into an abyss of despair with a will-o-wisp dancing away in the distance... sometimes drawing me towards light and an answer but mostly only to entrap me in a mire far too deep to extricate myself from.

The past five years have been some of the darkest of my life... the time when I was exposed to the world outside without the helping hand or the embrace of my closest family - being at that point of my life when bringing every single problem to my parents is considered a thing so irate.

I have had trust broken and my heart with it more than once. And yet, I seem not to learn from the mistakes I've made. Twice have I ventured out and had my nose rubbed in... Twice have my well meant intentions been spurned in scorn. And now.... again.... I set forth, I'm sure I shall be meeting the same fate as before... and for some reason, though I get the message loud and clear, I play deaf.

I know I cannot have what I truly want... I know whatever is so tantalizingly dangled in front of me will only be snatched away as before. And somehow, seeing myself being so unfairly punished more than once for no fault of mine, I feel so lost.... and wish I could end it all at once. But if only I had the courage....