On Death and Hope

I shall skip the formalities of apologizing for my lack of posts and vacant promises on how I shall be more judicious with updates.

My father has met his maker.

Yep, the man who was a friend more than a father has finally taken the long rest. I was there by his side when he took those final rasping breaths… Every moment of that day is etched in my memory… and I have tiny panic attacks thinking of that day! But all that said and done, I am glad in a way. You see, when someone is in so much pain that they cry out for death every waking minute, Death comes to them like a blessing from Heaven above. He had severe internal bleeding and a complete loss of appetite… I am just amazed that his final moments were much calmer and painless compared to how he suffered in life.

I grieve every day. And I know that this is one feeling that shall not leave me for as long as I live. Everytime I see or hear someone interacting with their father… every time they talk about how they did this and that with their daddies… I shall smart inside. Because, I’m only human… 

That said, his death has made me a different person. I can now empathize with those who’ve lost a loved one. All those condolence messages that I’d sent before my father’s death seem so hollow and without life compared to the ones I send now. Now, when I say I know how someone feels about the loss, I don’t feel like a hypocrite anymore! And when I tell them that they’ll get over it, I don’t sound like a jerk. Because we do get over death… we do carry on. We do survive.

The grief is always there, it goes from being the numb unfeeling heaviness to a sharp pain in the gut to a remnant feeling that is in the backdrop of all things we do. My father was an amazing human being… a better human than most people I’ve met. And he loved making people laugh. Now everytime I see his photo, I smile… remembering the good times… knowing in my soul that he’s up there next to God, making him laugh!

If anyone who’s reading this has lost a loved one, know this, brethren… Your loss will make you stronger… you will survive! And you will become a beautiful testament to the power of Hope and Love!

Get thee gone.... hope, you deceiver!

There's darkness around. Hope is absent. Strange... the numbness that creeps up my fingertips and touches my heart only intensifies the pain when I see how I have failed... I have fallen and cannot seem to rise. Let alone, stand.

Fare thee well, harbored hopes of mine... painted harlots that I can least afford. I banish ye from my sight. The drunken eyes well painted.... let me not be swayed any more. I cannot afford to break again... for the next time, I shall surely die.

Hopes and prayers

I believe most of us would have heard and witnessed the disaster that struck Japan yesterday.

It's a little overwhelming knowing that irrespective of how advanced Man considers himself to be, Nature always proves him wrong.

I sincerely hope Japan as a nation and people endure the difficult times ahead. And even if I cannot be of much help directly, I shall send my prayers their way and hope that what little I can hope to do makes a difference.

Don't worry guys! We're all here for you. It's during trying times that people forget race and creed and all other silly man-made discriminations and come together as one for a good cause. And if this doesn't constitute as one, God knows what would!

And when I checked my blog's stat, I saw that there had been a person from Japan who'd viewed my page yesterday. I sincerely hope that person is safe and sound! :)

That cruel temptress.... Hope

Hope.... Men have languished from the lack of it. Poets and Philosophers have extolled its virtues and merits. And the wise have warned the masses about having too much of it.

And yet, our lives continue on as ever with hope as the driving force. And I am no different. Having a name which alludes to the same bane hasn't helped my cause at all. On the contrary, it has only driven me into an abyss of despair with a will-o-wisp dancing away in the distance... sometimes drawing me towards light and an answer but mostly only to entrap me in a mire far too deep to extricate myself from.

The past five years have been some of the darkest of my life... the time when I was exposed to the world outside without the helping hand or the embrace of my closest family - being at that point of my life when bringing every single problem to my parents is considered a thing so irate.

I have had trust broken and my heart with it more than once. And yet, I seem not to learn from the mistakes I've made. Twice have I ventured out and had my nose rubbed in... Twice have my well meant intentions been spurned in scorn. And now.... again.... I set forth, I'm sure I shall be meeting the same fate as before... and for some reason, though I get the message loud and clear, I play deaf.

I know I cannot have what I truly want... I know whatever is so tantalizingly dangled in front of me will only be snatched away as before. And somehow, seeing myself being so unfairly punished more than once for no fault of mine, I feel so lost.... and wish I could end it all at once. But if only I had the courage....

Words of Gratitute

I am surrounded by such well meaning people right now and somehow, their presence feeds my confidence and optimism beautifully! Thank you, dearest friends of mine, for what you do to me and my thoughts! And though there is a rough patch in every person's life, I'm sure they'll all be smoothened in due course! And yes.... matters of the heart will be eased and the estranged shall become close once more! :D

Mr. V, you are such a nice human being. And somehow, as a friend, it aches me to see you so worried. Worry not! All will be well soon enough - we'll make sure of it! And your plight affects me so much and though I know why, I cannot deem to reveal all that I know for fear of seeming all assuming! :) And my friend, she will be yours...for all your kindheartedness, she would have to be a fool not to!

Mr. A, I have never ever had the good fortune of being acquainted to someone like you before! And I thank the lucky stars that I met you when I did! And my sister is one lucky person! And I am truly happy for you. A, I have two words for you! - "You rock!"

Ms. B, being a person who's inspired me with your kindness and impressed me with your wit and charm, I cannot say how much I treasure you being my friend! Do continue to be who you are, sister in soul! :D

Ms. S, your purity of heart is something I shall always look up to. And you are just as precious as anyone else! Don't you ever forget that!

Mr.T, Dude.... it's amazing how much wisdom you have at such young an age! You have taught me that appearances are sometimes truly not what they seem. And I should say, you have such wealth of wit and wisdom within you, I shalln't be surprised if you aren't sought after for advice soon enough! :D

Thank you and continue to help me grow... as a person and a friend!

Tough times ahead!

AAAAARGH!!!! This is all getting too complicated here! Things are so SO NOT going the way they should. If this keeps up, I'm afraid I'll be out on the streets before the year is done! Ah well.... it's at times like these that one should keep one's chin up and smile, right? So, Yep... bring it on, people! This girl's still got some spunk left in her! :D

And I sure home I get at least a single ray of hope before I've hit rock bottom! Hmmmm.... Hope.... it's a good thing.... the best of things, even!

Twin Spica

Ah... to actually get back to something that's been a part of one's pleasant past memories!! And this time, I want to mention one such memory of mine.

I recently managed to get hold of the Manga version of a Japanese Anime that I adored that goes by the name Twin Spica.

It's a heart warming story of a little girl Azumi Kamogawa whose desire is to go to space as an astronaut and the trials and triumphs she faces and achieves along her way towards the dream. The story is interlaced with numerous other characters that lend such a lovable sheen to the series! Especially, Lion-san...

I must say, I cried the first time I saw the episode that dealt with the past of Lion-san. It was so sad yet... there was a distinct tinge of hope that shimmered through all the bereavement associated with it! And for some reason, I'm very proud of myself for being capable of feeling these myriad emotions when I see that episode!

I'll tell everyone reading this blog to give that manga or anime (or preferably both! =D) a chance. It's not exactly the 'boy and girl falling into love' kind of story. It's different... unique... bittersweet.... full of hope... and so many other things that I wish I could express as words!

Though the anime can get a little draggy in the middle, I'll advice you to stick to the end. You will NOT regret it!

So, while I drown myself in this series and cry a river thinking of time gone by and the flowers that have wilted, make sure to get yourself a copy of this Manga or Anime as soon as you can!