The curtains dance in the wind. The steady buzz of the
computer’s fan is the only sound in the room. It isn’t too hot. I don’t switch
on the AC…no, I don’t need it today. There is a slight hint of a shower in the
horizon. Yes, let it rain… about time it did! My hands scroll the roller of the
mouse downwards as I see the Facebook page ride upwards.
Updates… of people from an age long gone by. Smiles,
happiness, joy… all of the emotions that suddenly seem absent from my life. I
know I sound like I whine… I know there are plenty of reasons for me to be
truly happy. I know there are those who’re not even half as lucky and blessed
as I am. And yet, the sigh that escapes my lips belies the fact that I am
unhappy.
Stupid bitch! I scream in my head. Why do you give a shit
what other people are up to? They sure as hell don’t! My eyes travel to my
right leg. It’s heavily bandaged to hide the swelling that just does not go
away. An injured ligament is what they call it. Hell’s calling card is what I
call it.
A random acquaintance has gotten married, the stupid social
networking site screams. She stands with her handsome as hell husband and
exudes positive radiance… like a gazillion nukes going off simultaneously. I
snort. I look at the vacant ring finger of my left hand. And I remember… how he
held it as though prolonged contact could give him some horrible disease. I
smirk as I think of the line he drew on our bed, commanding me not to cross
over. A bit rich coming from a guy who looked like a walrus in a suit. Another
sigh follows… marriage… a farce in my case! I click on the link that opens her
album. She exhibits her wedding for the whole world to see. And rightly so!
They look so happy… so in love. My thoughts again turn back to the day I saw
him for the first time in person. An engagement that lasted a year did nothing
to break the ice. All we spoke about was the stupid internship I’d take if I
ever was to join his side as his wife… a job interview. That was what it was…it
was always about the job I’d get. Never about the life we’d build together. I
snort back a laughter as I think of the person I was back then. How could I
have settled for so little? But then again, I look around me. There is nobody
here. Little was all I had back then… compared to the nothing I have right now.
I sigh again… I seem to slowly be replacing my breathing
with sighs. I truly wish her happiness as I close the album. I can’t afford to
have them see me crumble. They say it’s much better out than in. They say I’m
sure to get a good guy to look after me. Like I need to be looked after. They
worry I’ll be all alone when they leave. Little do they know that I’ve always
been alone. I’ve always felt this way even in a room full of people. And
sometimes, being alone both inside and outside is worlds better than having to
radiate a warmth I don’t possess surrounded by people who couldn’t give a shit.
I log off. My coffee has gotten cold… just the way I like
it. I take a sip, savouring the sugary goodness that would be lost in the heat.
Life is bittersweet. And somehow, it makes life all the more beautiful and precious.
I don’t give a rat’s ass if I will ever find a soulmate… no… I’ve already found
the perfect partner. My eyes dart her way as we walk towards each other. Our hands
reach out to each other as I take in her messy hair and her lined eyes. Her eyes
crinkle into a smile as our fingertips touch each other. The cold glass pane is
all that divides us. Myself from myself. We take another sip and close our
eyes.
We’re finally where we want to be, precious!
It's amazing how angry social media can make a person. I myself purge my friends list of old acquaintances regularly. It's better to be alone than with an asshole, but be alert! Awesome people can pop up when and where you least expect them to, so don't shut the world out completely.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, and I hope your leg feels better soon (as well as your heart). :)