Jealousy...

I realize that I’m not exactly the most qualified person to be writing this… but I feel the urge to anyway. So, if I am not seeing things from your perspective, dear reader, I humbly urge you to forgive me.

Jealousy… that scaly green eyed drake that is said to awaken when we feel we’re not being appreciated for what we’re worth when someone else gets what is our due. The colour of green that adorns our thoughts at times. I’ve been a victim of his (her) charms quite often.

But this post is not simply about the sharp pangs of jealousy we feel when our colleagues or siblings get praised in out stead… this post is about the clawing of the beast within us when someone we love is attentive to someone else who is not us. The jealous lover who eyes his or her paramour lavishing attention on another person is someone we’ve all grown up listening or reading about… or being.

I’m sure there are cases where the jealousy is fully warranted and is but the most obvious reaction that is to be expected. But there are those cases where someone is so insecure that they cannot bear to see their special someone in the company of anyone other than themselves.

I’ve had friends who’ve embodied this type of jealousy. Women who have the best of men for a companion and yet, they’ve been nothing but miserable about how they fear the whole world is out to get their man. Yes, that may very well be the case, but what of the trust that they are supposed to have on their man? The one they chose over droves of other men… the one to whom they gave their hearts? The one who in turn chose them and the one who has the special smile and twinkle in their eyes reserved exclusively for them?

Please, don’t get me wrong, dear reader. Having been mostly single, I've always mused on this concept of amorous jealousy. And as much as I know it is bad, I wonder if I will feel its sting myself if and when I fall in love with someone. It’s a concept I am not entirely comfortable with.

I hope, when I do find someone, that the person I fall for be the sort of person who can be loved and loves everyone in return. Yes, I did say love. I shall pray for the strength and the trust to know that he will love everybody as we all should but in his heart, there shall be place for only a few… and that I shall find a place there. This jealousy that I speak of is not merely limited to those who’re most likely to replace us. It is also at times, directed at anyone who is close to the one we love. It could be a sister, a mother, a friend, anyone…

I shall pray that my man have a large enough family to cherish… a loving family that shall love him dearly and one with whom he shall have a strong bond. They cared for him well before I was in the picture. They have loved him unconditionally and in a way that I hope to emulate – maybe only to fail… but still, they’re an integral part of his person. And that means he is the person I choose to love because they made him that way. I should be grateful then, shouldn’t I? True that sometimes, people tend to take their significant other too lightly… I’ve personally been there… having been relegated to being a figure in the background as the man chose to lavish his family with attention. As much as I did not begrudge him for what should have been my share, in my case, he treated me with indifference that bordered on abuse. He refused to protect me when I've known men who’re not even romantically attracted to me did. But that doesn’t mean all men would be that way. And as much as it sounds silly, I wish to be part of his family… to see his loved ones as mine and to assure them that there is enough love to pass around without anyone getting the short end of the stick.

Am I being an idealist here? I don’t know. But this has been the way I've always seen the world and the people in it. As much as I am cynical about finding someone to love, I am sure that when I do find someone, I shall cherish that person and make it known that I trust them enough to share them with the world. Because I know, there’ll always be a special something that shall never be shared and being accorded that honour is in itself the greatest feeling!

But I know I shall feel the beast awakening within me at times… I am but human! But when that time comes, I pray for the good sense to look beyond the apparent into the actual. If my man is good at heart, I shall trust him until he proves otherwise. But whatever it is, the person dictating the way I react will be him.

And thus, I come to my final prayer – let me find someone worthy of my trust and love.