In search of Understanding.

Time seems to have warped around me in a sense! Events that happened a long time ago.... months ago... seem as though they had occurred to pass just yesterday and those that are merely a few days old, seem way more ancient in chronology.

Surely, I live in a surreal rut right now. And to add to the misery, some of my closest friends seem to be going through quite the rough patch right now... almost as if synchronized with my misfortunes (though, I'd like to call it a chance awakening for which I am eternally grateful!).

One of them is in an abusive relationship. Her partner has given her such mental torture that she went as far as slitting her wrist. Though I am seething with fury at the asshole for being the one responsible for her pain, I can't help but be a little angry at my friend as well. How could she be so stupid? Why did she have to do that just to make him feel better? Why can't she just show him the middle finger and walk away? And I'm left without answers.

Isn't the greatest fear of Man loneliness? Though we try to reassure ourselves otherwise, all the problems of the world stem from the lack of understanding and the fear of being alone. And being alone doesn't necessarily mean being alone physically. I for one, know how lonely one can feel even when one is with someone when there is no understanding...the fear of not being understood... that is what plagues every single person around.

Maybe my friend feared the very same thing... Maybe she was weak... We're all weak deep inside... somewhere deep inside, we're all lonely children waiting for a comforting hug or a smile or a reassuring pat on the back. Some lucky ones find them... and most don't.

......

I have been upto so serious exam writing till now.... running around places, sitting in cramped trains trying to get myself into some good university... and suddenly, it occurs to me. Have I really got what it takes? I guess I assume I'm good at Science. But most of my friends are better than me! Way better... Better enough to get scholarships and stuff! ARGH!!! I just wish some university would take me in! I swear to work harder (well.. if you're not smart enough, hardwork's the only thing that can bail you out.... and then there's luck.. but I've never been lucky!)
It's ironic but ever since tenth grade, I've never gotten whatever I truly wished for. I don't know if I would be happier with what I have or with what I wish I could've had. But I cannot answer this question since both the situations are mutually exclusive...
Now I wish I get through Pune or Hyderabad University... But somehow, I'm scared of hoping for too much....
I just don't know what to hope for anymore... and I am equally scared of saying these fears to family and friends.. they might think I'm being paranoid.. Oh well... I've always hidden my fears deep inside. I'll just continue to do so.