Doing what you love, loving what you do

The other day, my mother and grandmother all but cornered me asking me what I was doing with life.
The fact that I was earning an average salary in a job I loved didn't seem to be a titular achievement for them. All their friends had children who were either going abroad for studying or for work.
Sure! They were using up their folks' funds like no tomorrow. But, that was immaterial! They wanted to know why I had settled for a seemingly simpler life as mine.

And I can assure you, dear readers... I was a bit disappointed. In them.... and in me.

Don't get me wrong! I love my job! I sincerely feel that every little thing in my life had been for preparing me for this job. Call it destiny, if you will? And furthermore, certain incidents have made sure that I completely re-think the way I lived life. I was very much a "people-pleaser" before. And now, I see that standing up for myself is what I should've been doing all along. Anyway, that's all water under the bridge.

But this... these accusations that somehow, I had failed in life if I did not earn more than the people around me... it fell upon me like the metaphorical 'sucker-punch'. And when I was reeling from its effects (read shed a few private tears), I realized something.

I am me. Yes, it ought to have been obvious by now! I have been going about, telling people to be happy for who they were while in private, I was still worried what my parents would think of me. I was still a closet people-pleaser. Sure, I had started to think for myself and take steps to make myself the most important person in my life (and my companion dog shares that place!). But it was such a radical change from the way I thought of myself from before! I felt guilty every time I did something good for myself, thinking how others were going to perceive it! Oh, heaven forbid! Will they think me selfish and self-centered? Will I not be the same kind and selfless person everybody loved me for!?

You know what? It doesn't matter! Sure, there were so many people who thought I'd changed and they were unhappy with what they saw. And ironically, they were the same people who would always expect me to be there for them, even when I couldn't possibly be! But in the end, I was happy! Truly happy!

I didn't feel wretched every time I did something for myself! I felt loved... and I realized that this is me. This person filled with all these funny quirks and weirdness! This unique work of God or Nature or whatever! This soul who lives and feels the same way as anybody else! Yep... this is me!

I walked back to my mother and gave her a piece of my mind. Sure, she knew it by then that the words she had used weren't exactly kind ones. So, we met each other half-way. We're back to a seemingly normal life now. But I know they will always be them and that's something I need to live with!

And now, my father wants me to look into some job prospect that promises me the Heaven and the Earth.
Like I said, they will always be them. And I will always be me.

Introspections of an Ingrate

How many times have you faced a blank wall in people whom you thought were your best friends? How many times have you been called an ingrate when all you wanted was for your loved ones to be happy?

Well... If you've been though these tough times, let me tell you something... those who won't understand don't matter and those who matter will understand.

With this, I bid adieu to that obsessive compulsive thing in me to actually do something for all those people who took not less than a moment to ditch me and be merrily on their way. And I should say I'm grateful to them... they showed me the kind of people I would avoid in the times to come.

Sayonara, suckers!

P.S. I don't know if the people mentioned above actually read this blog. But I sure hope they do! And I hope they've a wonderful life.... the bakas!

Meetings....Memories....Musings....

The past few days have been a potpourri of emotions and experiences... From the happiest to the most annoying...

I managed to meet up with a school friend of mine (two of them actually) and I now know I have good, well meaning friends... It's amazing how we've managed to be the best of friends for close to eight years! And I hope I continue to have their love and affection for many more years to come. One day was never enough to convey everything we wanted the other to know! And I am sure the others felt just like that...
The meeting leaves such a beautiful imprint on my mind and heart now that I think back to that day! =D

And now for the worst...well... not exactly 'worst' (I've seen worse!) but well... Ah fiddlesticks!

I'm not going into the details of what exactly happened. But let's just say there was a particular running into a person I know who gave me quite the cold shoulder... Ah well, if that person thinks feels it below their station to have a courteous conversation with me, nothing I can do to change that!

There is only so much a person can do to salvage a relationship and if it means one has to grovel and beg to be treated with warmth, I wonder if that kind of a warmth is indeed needed!

*sigh* I've had enough harrowing memories thinking of how I did not stand up to my desires and wishes just because I thought they would offend the people around me. And now I realize... the ones who are so deeply offended by my dreams when there is no actual reason to be so are not exactly doing me or the world a favour.

So, that's one heavy baggage off my back!

And now for a little confession from my side... I've observed how I let every single slight meted out to me take a hold over my thoughts... and how I thought of every single person who's made 'not-so-very-funny' comments of me as some sort of mortal enemy. I've also grown more aware of the fact that how I've felt a little heart-broken when people have forgotten I existed...when I was all alone when everyone else had a group to call their own.

And now as I sit in front of my system, tapping away at the keyboard, watching the words form, I realize the ultimate truth - GET OVER IT!

There! I've gotten over all the times when I never got a reply for my urgent messages... I've gotten over the times when being the 'everybody' meant being a 'nobody'.... I have gotten over the times when things didn't work out the way I've wanted them to... I've gotten over the times when I was forgotten.

And suddenly, I feel so much lighter!

It's strange how things go....or don't!

Last night I was up till one in the morning (that makes it today morning ne?) talking to my really close friend and his friends and it occurred to me. These guys are so free and well... asymptotically bonded! it's almost like everybody I know is a quark...either in twos (mesons) or as threes (hadrons) but somehow, I've managed to gain the role of the lepton here. What's in me... I don't know! I don't even know if there's anything in me!

Hmmmm.... Makes me wonder how people around me see me. I'm really trying hard to find a group for myself but somehow, it's like trying to break all rules of Elementary Physics trying to do that - leaves me totally drained and well... off the mark!

And last night... I seemed to have regrets regarding a lot of things... something I normally don't have. And all of this makes me want to just lock myself in a well padded room and bang my head really hard! LOL this is so unlike me.... but what's like me? Is what I believe myself to be what I really am?

And yesterday's comment... there aren't any readers for my blog except for perhaps one person who comes now and then when he's immensely bored... well made me think... It's not like everybody else gets scores of Anonymous comments. Mostly it's from friends! Does this mean I *GASP* am friend-less?! Or is it that *GASPITY GASP* I'm boring?! Oy Vey!

Argh... I think group theory is getting to my head! And life was so much less complicated when all I needed to worry about was what Hotohori would say about this! Why did I have to grow up!!! How I wish I could just stay twelve for the rest of my life and dream of meeting the fourth emperor of Khonan sometime in the distant future never to come!

Ahem... I think I've ranted enough! Thanks for dropping by... if you did that is! =D
(P.S. None of these rants should be remembered for more than a minute post reading! Heheheh...a clown...that's what I am! =D)

Synapse - void where indifference dwells

It's very strange when you bring two people close to each other and then all of a sudden... you find that you're the one left out.

For some reason, I feel like I've heralded the death of a long lasting friendship with my own good will... wishing for them to be friends. But I guess they have no further need for me. That would be the only reason why both of them treat me like I've irked them both in unforgivable ways.

Well... Maybe I have. But I hope they understand that I've never meant them harm intentionally and neither shall I ever. But somehow... I feel they're growing so distant to me. Indifferent, they were many a times... and now, I'm the only individual who's not a part of their group's camaraderie.

Maybe I was nothing but an intial catalyst in their equation. One who would always remain aloof and one who would only be used when there is a need for it.

But the one thing I cannot stand is the fact that I have been blamed of being indifferent. In reality... who's been indifferent? Was it I? I, who'd rushed to their respective houses when they needed a shoulder to cry on? Was it I? I, who'd gladly given away priceless books when he'd come asking for them? And now, when the need for books was over and they'd found stronger shoulders to lean on, I stand apart... alone... aloof. Maybe they see me cold. But that is not because I desire to be so. It is just that since the day I could remember, I had been in essence, alone.

Now I don't say I blame anyone for that... that's just the way I am! But now I realize... I was not truly needed in the first place. And no matter how hard I try, I shall never get close to any of them.

So, I remain.... as I was before. Alone and content in knowing there is nobody around to break my heart once more.