I bid thee Adieu... perhaps for now... perhaps forever!

I am aware that I haven’t been updating the blog for quite some time now. And I could go about how I will be judicious in my updates going forward. But then again, we will all know that to be nothing but placation from my end, for God knows what!

I have come to realize that this blog has been slowly dying. There used to be a time when I would write very regularly. But my life right now is so hectic that I can barely find time to do anything other than come home and sleep.

It is not the right way to live life, I know. But for now, I need to slave. Perhaps there will be a time when I will find it within myself to take up blogging with the amount of seriousness that it deserves.
   Until then, I am closing this blog down.

Perhaps we will meet in a different place, under a different name. Until then, good bye. And may the gods keep you well.

On writing

Of every progress Man has made since evolving from the quadruped ape that he was, I believe nothing comes close to the monumentality that Language and Writing hold. He learnt to speak before he could write… true. But his genius was revealed in the scripts he devised to store his thoughts well into posterity. A strike of brilliance that would mark the first step towards the many achievements that he would be known for. But it all began with the written word.

And what could be more profound that to be a part of the magic of writing. Be it words we type, or (as I personally prefer) words we write. Somehow, writing always appealed to my sensibilities in ways that typing never did. There is something about the way we seemingly create words out of nothing. Liquid ink or powdery graphite magically turned to words that transform the senses… words of joy, of grief, of another million feelings.

I came across my old journal that held all my thoughts… some of them would be published in this blog but there were other drabbles… some way too personal, some half-baked ideas of novels I plan to write, and a few other poems that I might publish someday… or might not. But they are all there, etched on paper, memories of days gone by. A part of me, immortalized on paper.

I am

I am not your toy.

I am not someone you'd want to flaunt at weddings and funerals.

I am not your maid, cleaning after you, cooking for you, waiting on you hand and foot.

I am not something for you to fall on top of at the end of the day... or someone who'll be the punching bag for you to take out your frustrations on.

I am definitely not the wallflower, smiling demurely, underplaying my passions and ferocity of will just so you can feel better about yourself.

I am a free spirit... with dreams and aspirations as real and valid as yours.

I am not the gentle breeze that you conjure up with the flick of your wrist. I am the tempest that blows you away.

I stand by my convictions and shall not change myself to please you or anyone else.

I love myself the most. And it took me a long while to get where I am at.

I am worthy of love and deserve the best. I know it and shall not settle for any less.

I am the girl who'll wake you up in the middle of the night and take you moonbow chasing.

I am the woman who's sure of herself and respects herself enough to not take your shit.

I am the one who'll listen to all your woes and give you honest advice... even if it stings.

I am who I am... I am me... and not for a moment do I need to be anything else but that.

On Friends and what they say

We’re all human. We’re all flawed; some of us more than the others. And we do not like having our flaws pointed out. It’s only natural… we know where we lack and it’s not a nice feeling having people point it out.

But sometimes, we need to have our shortcomings pointed out. And that is where true friends step in. We feel friends are those who uplift us when we’re down… encouraging us when we feel like shit. Yes, that is all true. But sometimes, the truest encouragement is not the kind words saying we’ll get our bearings, but rather the well-meaning kick in the back asking us to get our shit together. Now, it may seem harsh; even evil at times. But having been through depression at a point in my life, I’ll tell you this – that works wonders. Or rather, it should.

I had a friend give me the metaphorical kick when I was spending way too much money on things I didn’t need… heck, I would be broke a week within payday all because I had to go to this store and buy a feathered hair clip that I wouldn’t even wear! It was harsh… but I knew I needed it. And I can’t thank him enough for it. Yeah, at the moment, I felt it was unfair that he was being all bossy and what not… telling me how I should manage my finances. I thought, who gave him the right?! But now, I realize, him being my friend gave him the absolute right to do just what he did.

He didn’t mince words when he told me I was being irresponsible. I was. And it smarted because I knew he was true. And though I did sulk hearing that, I never dwelt on the hurt. I decided to see things from his perspective and I knew he was right. And he… he was a person who had been through some of the worst trials Life could throw at a person… and that too at a very young age. At a time when others were all going to college and hanging out with friends, my friend, he worked 2 jobs back to back while attending college and after graduation, went out and worked 2 shifts, just so he could clear off the debt incurred to treat his dying father.

I understood he knew what he was talking about. He is street smart in ways I wasn’t. And if I am who I am, able to hold my own in a fight or in a crisis, it’s because of what I’ve learnt from him.

So, the next time your best friend says something you think is mean, just pause… it could be that they have a point. Sometimes, the best way to get us on our feet is a good kick in the ass!

Studying for that elusive N1

There is something innately soothing about organizing one's life.

And I've always been one who appreciated and revered the ones who so meticulously planned every aspect of their lives, especially the ones who maintained daily, weekly, monthly planners and journals to boot! Heck, being an avid (read borderline obsessed) stationery fanatic myself, I can understand the urge to write everything down and plan one's future, bringing down the uncertainty about one's future a notch! But for the life of me, I cannot seem to keep up with the schedule of scheduling! I weep and tear my hair out trying to get through my days that are filled with incessant work and travel (not the sort one would enjoy!)

To add to the misery, I have to clear my JLPT N1 level this December. True that the exam is happening in July as well. But by the good lord above I know my preparation has been abysmal thus far! Heck, I haven't even started preparing with earnest! And not only do I need to clear the exam, I need to do it with flying colours! It's more for me than for anyone else this time! And with the JLPT levels out of my way, I can seriously shift focus towards other languages... (I'm looking at you, German, you sexy beast!)

I am on an almost frantic effort to get my life back on track, I've decided to blog about my planning and study progress. Not that anyone is going to read this... does anyone actually read my blog?! But this is more for me, I shall stick to a plan and follow it through, so help me God!

And this weekend (read Sunday), the trial begins. 

Please excuse the World of Warcraft on the screen! :P

P.S. To those of you who are absolute kindness personified and actually read my drabble (read stories), thank you! And don't you worry! I'll keep the regular posting going strong; as strong as I can muster!

They're at it again!

I'm right back where it all started. My mother has decided that it's time for me to settle down and find myself a good, loving, intelligent boy from a well-respected family, from the same caste as me. If you're an Indian woman in her mid-late 20's, you'll know what I'm talking about!

No matter how forward thinking our parents claim to be, when it comes to marriage, most of them succumb to the pressures of the society and take to matrimonial sites for finding that perfect match for their children. They hear stories of people who've found bliss on the internet. This is like Tinder… only that mostly it’s the parents who’re swiping away to the perfect match.

Now, I personally have nothing against people finding love online. I have absolutely no bones to pick with anyone who feels it best to let someone else do the choosing of what could be one of the most important choices of their lives! Heck… I did that! I let someone else take the reins of my life and let me tell you, the ride was as bumpy as it gets. And I learnt valuable life lessons at the end of it.

So you may wonder just what I've been smoking to be doing this again?! I mean, wise people learn from their mistakes, right? Well, let’s not be getting our panties in a twist, people!

I know I sound like a hypocrite. But if I were to stay out of this, things only get worse. It happened once. I didn't give a damn and before I knew it, I was married to a motherfucker who liked dicks more than I did! But, hear me out, dear reader. When I say I give a damn, I don’t mean that I visualize myself getting married to the men who seem interested in the warped image my mother has projected of me on that god-awful site! Heck, I wouldn't marry the girl my mom’s made me out to be! But today, chancing upon the gazillion mails from interested suitors brought a few things to light. And those things are worth sharing.

Matrimony is all about the moolah these days!

Forget love; forget emotional compatibility and all the applesauce they say is important! The one thing you’re supposed to look at is his pay package! That’s right! As long as he earns enough, who the hell cares if he’s a closet psychopath with temper issues?

People will strut their stuff like there’s no tomorrow. 

More than one profile that my mother thrust into my face had the guy smirking away at the camera like he was George Clooney’s long lost nephew! And the thing is, they weren't even good looking to begin with! Yes, I know I’m being a jerk. But, when some guy claims to be fair and would prefer women who’re fairer, I have a problem. Without a photo uploaded to substantiate my mother’s claims that I was fair in complexion, I’m also buried neck deep with requests for a photo, which brings me to the next point.

If some of the people on matrimonial sites were actually serious, they’d be charged with felony!

There was one request from a guy who was married and had decided he wouldn't get a divorce. But hey, he wants another understanding and loving girl who was willing to live with him and his first wife… all as one big happy family. He doesn't have a job, his wife’s a house wife and so, he would like someone who earns a living and “is willing to believe in him that his business endeavours would succeed someday, somehow”. I don’t think I need to say anything further there!

I could go on and on, but I don’t see the point. It’s a little sad that what should be an organic, natural and almost an intangible transition into what is the most beautiful connection between hearts has to be so structured… so forced… so compartmentalized into categories. I don’t think I can ever fall for this. But then again, that does not seem to stop my mother from wasting her time on the site. Oh well, to each their own, I guess!

New place... new people... not everything needs to be for the better!

There are far too many things in life that we mortals take for granted. Whether it be health or the amity of good friends, we seldom realize their value until after they have left our keeping. And then, we start yearning for what has been lost. Sometimes, we’re lucky to gain it back. Sometimes, we’re not so blessed.

I've recently changed jobs. This entails meeting new people, forming new friendships, meeting new deadlines… the usual. In my previous workplace, I had made friends with the most amazing group of people. A group of friends that feels more like family… and just as close! If I had my way, I would bring them all with me wherever I went… working with them for a lower pay if need be.

But with the old company closing down its projects and my position as a language specialist hanging in the balance, I didn't have the luxury of a choice. And that is how I found myself in the new place.

The work is the same, voluminous if anything. But that hardly deters me. I love what I do and if there is one trait I've inherited from my mother, it is to work hard on the things I love.

Now you may wonder, my dearest reader as to what it was that I missed.

Friends.

True Friends.

Friends who have my back. Friends who don’t have an agenda of their own. Friends who’re good at heart.

The people I see here in the new office (except a few… like my fellow translators) are the type I normally abhor. With absolutely no regard for another soul, their daily lives seem to pass away in plastic smiles and self-important pompousness. And the worst sort of misogyny I've ever had to face!

Their thinly veiled slurs at women they hardly know, grates my nerves so much that sometimes, it takes all my resolve not to punch a few of these people in their noses. The other day, I heard that they had coined a name for me as well… a name that was coined the first day I walked into that office… for my interview. Perhaps the fact that they did not know me seemed to embolden them to pass sexist comments at my expense. I guess a few would tell me I'm overreacting here… boys being boys or whatever! But I cannot see it in that light and you will excuse my obstinacy in this.

All this while, I've been friends with men who’re nothing less than perfect gentlemen. They don’t pass comments about the women that pass them by. They don’t stare at women as though they’re looking at some hitherto unknown creature. And they sure as hell don’t give women weird sexist names behind their backs!

And to make things worse, the other women these pathetic excuses of men are friends with seem to think they’re safe. All they need to do is turn my way to see how wrong they are.

If they could make such comments about me, there is absolutely no saying that they haven’t done the same about them, if only within themselves… it’s a very sorry business. 

And every day I walk into my new office, I let out a sigh thinking about the old place where all that awaited me was work and sincere smiles… here, in every word is sheathed an inner meaning…. In every smile, there’s a tinge of scorn and in every gaze, thoughts I wouldn't dare describe! 

The only saving grace is knowing that these people would never be anything more than colleagues and I still have amazing friends in life... the kind that these men would never get or understand!