Sunday, January 17, 2016

I bid thee Adieu... perhaps for now... perhaps forever!

I am aware that I haven’t been updating the blog for quite some time now. And I could go about how I will be judicious in my updates going forward. But then again, we will all know that to be nothing but placation from my end, for God knows what!

I have come to realize that this blog has been slowly dying. There used to be a time when I would write very regularly. But my life right now is so hectic that I can barely find time to do anything other than come home and sleep.

It is not the right way to live life, I know. But for now, I need to slave. Perhaps there will be a time when I will find it within myself to take up blogging with the amount of seriousness that it deserves.
   Until then, I am closing this blog down.

Perhaps we will meet in a different place, under a different name. Until then, good bye. And may the gods keep you well.


Saturday, August 1, 2015

On writing

Of every progress Man has made since evolving from the quadruped ape that he was, I believe nothing comes close to the monumentality that Language and Writing hold. He learnt to speak before he could write… true. But his genius was revealed in the scripts he devised to store his thoughts well into posterity. A strike of brilliance that would mark the first step towards the many achievements that he would be known for. But it all began with the written word.

And what could be more profound that to be a part of the magic of writing. Be it words we type, or (as I personally prefer) words we write. Somehow, writing always appealed to my sensibilities in ways that typing never did. There is something about the way we seemingly create words out of nothing. Liquid ink or powdery graphite magically turned to words that transform the senses… words of joy, of grief, of another million feelings.


I came across my old journal that held all my thoughts… some of them would be published in this blog but there were other drabbles… some way too personal, some half-baked ideas of novels I plan to write, and a few other poems that I might publish someday… or might not. But they are all there, etched on paper, memories of days gone by. A part of me, immortalized on paper.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

I am

I am not your toy.

I am not someone you'd want to flaunt at weddings and funerals.

I am not your maid, cleaning after you, cooking for you, waiting on you hand and foot.

I am not something for you to fall on top of at the end of the day... or someone who'll be the punching bag for you to take out your frustrations on.

I am definitely not the wallflower, smiling demurely, underplaying my passions and ferocity of will just so you can feel better about yourself.

I am a free spirit... with dreams and aspirations as real and valid as yours.

I am not the gentle breeze that you conjure up with the flick of your wrist. I am the tempest that blows you away.

I stand by my convictions and shall not change myself to please you or anyone else.

I love myself the most. And it took me a long while to get where I am at.

I am worthy of love and deserve the best. I know it and shall not settle for any less.

I am the girl who'll wake you up in the middle of the night and take you moonbow chasing.

I am the woman who's sure of herself and respects herself enough to not take your shit.

I am the one who'll listen to all your woes and give you honest advice... even if it stings.

I am who I am... I am me... and not for a moment do I need to be anything else but that.

Friday, July 10, 2015

On Friends and what they say

We’re all human. We’re all flawed; some of us more than the others. And we do not like having our flaws pointed out. It’s only natural… we know where we lack and it’s not a nice feeling having people point it out.
But sometimes, we need to have our shortcomings pointed out. And that is where true friends step in. We feel friends are those who uplift us when we’re down… encouraging us when we feel like shit. Yes, that is all true. But sometimes, the truest encouragement is not the kind words saying we’ll get our bearings, but rather the well-meaning kick in the back asking us to get our shit together. Now, it may seem harsh; even evil at times. But having been through depression at a point in my life, I’ll tell you this – that works wonders. Or rather, it should.
I had a friend give me the metaphorical kick when I was spending way too much money on things I didn’t need… heck, I would be broke a week within payday all because I had to go to this store and buy a feathered hair clip that I wouldn’t even wear! It was harsh… but I knew I needed it. And I can’t thank him enough for it. Yeah, at the moment, I felt it was unfair that he was being all bossy and what not… telling me how I should manage my finances. I thought, who gave him the right?! But now, I realize, him being my friend gave him the absolute right to do just what he did.
He didn’t mince words when he told me I was being irresponsible. I was. And it smarted because I knew he was true. And though I did sulk hearing that, I never dwelt on the hurt. I decided to see things from his perspective and I knew he was right. And he… he was a person who had been through some of the worst trials Life could throw at a person… and that too at a very young age. At a time when others were all going to college and hanging out with friends, my friend, he worked 2 jobs back to back while attending college and after graduation, went out and worked 2 shifts, just so he could clear off the debt incurred to treat his dying father.
I understood he knew what he was talking about. He is street smart in ways I wasn’t. And if I am who I am, able to hold my own in a fight or in a crisis, it’s because of what I’ve learnt from him.

So, the next time your best friend says something you think is mean, just pause… it could be that they have a point. Sometimes, the best way to get us on our feet is a good kick in the ass!

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Studying for that elusive N1

There is something innately soothing about organizing one's life.

And I've always been one who appreciated and revered the ones who so meticulously planned every aspect of their lives, especially the ones who maintained daily, weekly, monthly planners and journals to boot! Heck, being an avid (read borderline obsessed) stationery fanatic myself, I can understand the urge to write everything down and plan one's future, bringing down the uncertainty about one's future a notch! But for the life of me, I cannot seem to keep up with the schedule of scheduling! I weep and tear my hair out trying to get through my days that are filled with incessant work and travel (not the sort one would enjoy!)

To add to the misery, I have to clear my JLPT N1 level this December. True that the exam is happening in July as well. But by the good lord above I know my preparation has been abysmal thus far! Heck, I haven't even started preparing with earnest! And not only do I need to clear the exam, I need to do it with flying colours! It's more for me than for anyone else this time! And with the JLPT levels out of my way, I can seriously shift focus towards other languages... (I'm looking at you, German, you sexy beast!)

I am on an almost frantic effort to get my life back on track, I've decided to blog about my planning and study progress. Not that anyone is going to read this... does anyone actually read my blog?! But this is more for me, I shall stick to a plan and follow it through, so help me God!

And this weekend (read Sunday), the trial begins. 

Please excuse the World of Warcraft on the screen! :P
P.S. To those of you who are absolute kindness personified and actually read my drabble (read stories), thank you! And don't you worry! I'll keep the regular posting going strong; as strong as I can muster!

Saturday, April 11, 2015

They're at it again!

I'm right back where it all started. My mother has decided that it's time for me to settle down and find myself a good, loving, intelligent boy from a well-respected family, from the same caste as me. If you're an Indian woman in her mid-late 20's, you'll know what I'm talking about!


No matter how forward thinking our parents claim to be, when it comes to marriage, most of them succumb to the pressures of the society and take to matrimonial sites for finding that perfect match for their children. They hear stories of people who've found bliss on the internet. This is like Tinder… only that mostly it’s the parents who’re swiping away to the perfect match.

Now, I personally have nothing against people finding love online. I have absolutely no bones to pick with anyone who feels it best to let someone else do the choosing of what could be one of the most important choices of their lives! Heck… I did that! I let someone else take the reins of my life and let me tell you, the ride was as bumpy as it gets. And I learnt valuable life lessons at the end of it.

So you may wonder just what I've been smoking to be doing this again?! I mean, wise people learn from their mistakes, right? Well, let’s not be getting our panties in a twist, people!

I know I sound like a hypocrite. But if I were to stay out of this, things only get worse. It happened once. I didn't give a damn and before I knew it, I was married to a motherfucker who liked dicks more than I did! But, hear me out, dear reader. When I say I give a damn, I don’t mean that I visualize myself getting married to the men who seem interested in the warped image my mother has projected of me on that god-awful site! Heck, I wouldn't marry the girl my mom’s made me out to be! But today, chancing upon the gazillion mails from interested suitors brought a few things to light. And those things are worth sharing.

Matrimony is all about the moolah these days!

Forget love; forget emotional compatibility and all the applesauce they say is important! The one thing you’re supposed to look at is his pay package! That’s right! As long as he earns enough, who the hell cares if he’s a closet psychopath with temper issues?

People will strut their stuff like there’s no tomorrow. 

More than one profile that my mother thrust into my face had the guy smirking away at the camera like he was George Clooney’s long lost nephew! And the thing is, they weren't even good looking to begin with! Yes, I know I’m being a jerk. But, when some guy claims to be fair and would prefer women who’re fairer, I have a problem. Without a photo uploaded to substantiate my mother’s claims that I was fair in complexion, I’m also buried neck deep with requests for a photo, which brings me to the next point.

If some of the people on matrimonial sites were actually serious, they’d be charged with felony!

There was one request from a guy who was married and had decided he wouldn't get a divorce. But hey, he wants another understanding and loving girl who was willing to live with him and his first wife… all as one big happy family. He doesn't have a job, his wife’s a house wife and so, he would like someone who earns a living and “is willing to believe in him that his business endeavours would succeed someday, somehow”. I don’t think I need to say anything further there!

I could go on and on, but I don’t see the point. It’s a little sad that what should be an organic, natural and almost an intangible transition into what is the most beautiful connection between hearts has to be so structured… so forced… so compartmentalized into categories. I don’t think I can ever fall for this. But then again, that does not seem to stop my mother from wasting her time on the site. Oh well, to each their own, I guess!

Saturday, March 7, 2015

New place... new people... not everything needs to be for the better!

There are far too many things in life that we mortals take for granted. Whether it be health or the amity of good friends, we seldom realize their value until after they have left our keeping. And then, we start yearning for what has been lost. Sometimes, we’re lucky to gain it back. Sometimes, we’re not so blessed.

I've recently changed jobs. This entails meeting new people, forming new friendships, meeting new deadlines… the usual. In my previous workplace, I had made friends with the most amazing group of people. A group of friends that feels more like family… and just as close! If I had my way, I would bring them all with me wherever I went… working with them for a lower pay if need be.

But with the old company closing down its projects and my position as a language specialist hanging in the balance, I didn't have the luxury of a choice. And that is how I found myself in the new place.

The work is the same, voluminous if anything. But that hardly deters me. I love what I do and if there is one trait I've inherited from my mother, it is to work hard on the things I love.

Now you may wonder, my dearest reader as to what it was that I missed.

Friends.

True Friends.

Friends who have my back. Friends who don’t have an agenda of their own. Friends who’re good at heart.

The people I see here in the new office (except a few… like my fellow translators) are the type I normally abhor. With absolutely no regard for another soul, their daily lives seem to pass away in plastic smiles and self-important pompousness. And the worst sort of misogyny I've ever had to face!

Their thinly veiled slurs at women they hardly know, grates my nerves so much that sometimes, it takes all my resolve not to punch a few of these people in their noses. The other day, I heard that they had coined a name for me as well… a name that was coined the first day I walked into that office… for my interview. Perhaps the fact that they did not know me seemed to embolden them to pass sexist comments at my expense. I guess a few would tell me I'm overreacting here… boys being boys or whatever! But I cannot see it in that light and you will excuse my obstinacy in this.

All this while, I've been friends with men who’re nothing less than perfect gentlemen. They don’t pass comments about the women that pass them by. They don’t stare at women as though they’re looking at some hitherto unknown creature. And they sure as hell don’t give women weird sexist names behind their backs!

And to make things worse, the other women these pathetic excuses of men are friends with seem to think they’re safe. All they need to do is turn my way to see how wrong they are.


If they could make such comments about me, there is absolutely no saying that they haven’t done the same about them, if only within themselves… it’s a very sorry business. 

And every day I walk into my new office, I let out a sigh thinking about the old place where all that awaited me was work and sincere smiles… here, in every word is sheathed an inner meaning…. In every smile, there’s a tinge of scorn and in every gaze, thoughts I wouldn't dare describe! 

The only saving grace is knowing that these people would never be anything more than colleagues and I still have amazing friends in life... the kind that these men would never get or understand!

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Chetan Bhagat...bringing Young India back to reading? Or is that a double edged sword hanging in your cupboard?

I was woken up to find my mother shoving her smart phone into my face, almost squealing, "Read this! Read this!" I took the proffered device and blearily stared into the screen to see this - 'India is a semi-literate country and Chetan Bhagat is the best it can do'

I had always remarked at the sense of mediocrity that reeked from most upstart Indian writers and how almost everyone was trying to do a Chetan Bhagat! I even had a friend exclaim that she was going to a book reading by some bloke named Ravinder Singh. He's the author of the book, "I too had a love story". I was intrigued... My friend was a person who was never the bibliophile! As a matter of fact, I remember being the butt of her jokes when I buried my nose in a book, as was my wont.

A few days later, she showed me the photos from the day. They'd all gathered at the local Apple iStore and he'd apparently answered questions about his book and life in general. And then, he'd read a few passages from his book. It did not miss my attention that most of the audience were girls in the late teens or early twenties. And the fellow wasn't a face that only a mother would love. I didn't need to rack my brains that much to figure out what his USP was. But being the good fair sport that I am, I decided to give his books a try. The next time I was at a book store, I searched for his books and went through them... thumbing through the pages to get a feel of his writing style and narrative.... I have never put down a book that fast!

Once again, he was so desperately trying to be a Chetan Bhagat. An author who appealed to the senses if not the intellect of Young India. A man whose books read out like a movie. A success story in the most commercial sense of the term.

I personally don't hate him. I've read worse. But to claim that he got Indians back to reading.... now that, my friends, is something I just cannot agree with! When I was a teenager, awkward and shy, I turned to reading and writing to express myself. It was the only outlet where I could truly be who I was.... To write in abandon, not worrying at the least how it would be perceived. And in a way, my style of writing has been heavily influenced by the authors I read. Enid Blyton, the true queen of children's novels, she kept my afternoons engaged as I went on an adventure myself, with the Famous Five or the Secret Seven! And then it was Nancy Drew... followed by classic masters like Dickens, Alcott, Bronte, Austen, O.Henry, Mark Twain.... and a lot more! I had discovered Tolkien in high school and reading his works always brought a sense of belonging to me. I could go anywhere, read any book. But Tolkien would be like coming home! Then there was always John Grisham, Jeffrey Archer and Dan Brown!

I was lucky enough to meet a few good people who introduced me to Dostoevsky and the other Russian masters! And I noticed that my writing had also evolved to include the styles of all the authors whose works had impressed me. And an amalgamation of the various styles finally settled down to become what was uniquely mine.

In the midst of this Utopia of mine, someone threw in Chetan Bhagat. I had always rued that we had very few Indian writers to look up to. We had powerhouses when it came to regional literature... O. Vijayan, Kalki, Tagore to name a few... but when it came to English Literature, we Indians were really left wanting in some intangible way. If an Indian writer wrote well, they had some stint abroad... either they lived abroad and write their books there or at least had some other form of connection drawing their time and person away from the subcontinent.

So, when I first discovered Chetan Bhagat, I was understandably excited. Perhaps this person could be the answer to my prayers, I thought. If millions were reading him, he had to be good, right?

Well... I did read his first book. It was interesting... different even. And then I read his second... then his third. By the time I had reached Two States, something had become clear to me. His writing had a sense of commercialization to it. He wrote for the masses. He had his audience in mind throughout. And that, did not feel honest to me.

Don't get me wrong. We all write, knowing in a way that someone, somewhere will read what we wrote and perhaps like what they read. But to write solely for an audience robs a writer of a part of their soul. Recently, I started reading the History of Middle Earth series by Christopher Tolkien where he has put together most of his father's notes... and it gave me a chance to glimpse at a writer's mind. I saw Tolkien writing solely for himself first. The story edging its way out in bits and pieces and the writer having no peace till he has put it down on paper. I know that feeling all too well! I have countless notebooks filled with random drabbles that I daren't publish but would have suffocated me had I not written them out.

A truely good writer manages to strike the balance... finds his inner voice and still finds an audience to write for. But more than the listener, for a true writer, the story is of tantamount importance.

So now you see why I have an issue with Chetan Bhagat's books? They're loved by millions and millions of readers claim to relate to his characters... all of it is well and good. But that sense of hiraeth that one must feel once the book is finished... it is missing in his works. As much as I commend him for bringing people to the books, I sincerely hope they don't stop at his works alone. Let them move on to better authors... to newer ways of telling a story...

Books are meant to liberate you... to elevate you.... to make you a better person. And somehow, I've never truly felt Chetan Bhagat's books did that for me.

What be your take in this matter, reader?

Saturday, October 18, 2014

On Death and Hope

I shall skip the formalities of apologizing for my lack of posts and vacant promises on how I shall be more judicious with updates.

My father has met his maker.

Yep, the man who was a friend more than a father has finally taken the long rest. I was there by his side when he took those final rasping breaths… Every moment of that day is etched in my memory… and I have tiny panic attacks thinking of that day! But all that said and done, I am glad in a way. You see, when someone is in so much pain that they cry out for death every waking minute, Death comes to them like a blessing from Heaven above. He had severe internal bleeding and a complete loss of appetite… I am just amazed that his final moments were much calmer and painless compared to how he suffered in life.

I grieve every day. And I know that this is one feeling that shall not leave me for as long as I live. Everytime I see or hear someone interacting with their father… every time they talk about how they did this and that with their daddies… I shall smart inside. Because, I’m only human… 

That said, his death has made me a different person. I can now empathize with those who’ve lost a loved one. All those condolence messages that I’d sent before my father’s death seem so hollow and without life compared to the ones I send now. Now, when I say I know how someone feels about the loss, I don’t feel like a hypocrite anymore! And when I tell them that they’ll get over it, I don’t sound like a jerk. Because we do get over death… we do carry on. We do survive.

The grief is always there, it goes from being the numb unfeeling heaviness to a sharp pain in the gut to a remnant feeling that is in the backdrop of all things we do. My father was an amazing human being… a better human than most people I’ve met. And he loved making people laugh. Now everytime I see his photo, I smile… remembering the good times… knowing in my soul that he’s up there next to God, making him laugh!

If anyone who’s reading this has lost a loved one, know this, brethren… Your loss will make you stronger… you will survive! And you will become a beautiful testament to the power of Hope and Love!

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Hope... or what's left of it

My father is terminally ill… there… I said it! It’s not easy being diagnosed with CML. And yes, when my father got the news six years ago that he had CML (a form of leukaemia), our entire family was shaken. It was like the whole family was diagnosed with it. So far, we’d only heard of people suffering from cancer. It was very much an ugly word that was synonymous to pain, suffering and death. Then, the drugs started and surprisingly, he had none of those side effects that one associates with chemotherapy. We’d joke, saying that he had a very expensive form of diabetes and that was all there is to it. We’d tell other people about how he was battling the disease like a champ.

We went through so much, in those six years. The ups and the downs. And then, a day came when his body just didn't take to the medicine like it used to. Fevers, bleeding, pain, drama… a good two months in various hospitals, with doctors wringing their hands and shaking their heads, we decided to just bring him home. The prognosis was that his disease had progressed from the chronic phase to the next phase.

It came as a shock. I guess we all knew from the start that the day would come when the diabetes jokes would stop. One more stop towards the end. And then, the real chemotherapy started. All the resolve I’d associated with my father had gone, replaced with despair and hopelessness. I had to be brave and tell him that everything would be fine, even if I knew I was lying. I had always wondered what feelings would come out in the open when the end would be here. Sure, we’re not there yet, but there’s a mixture of fear and sadness… and strange sense of calm in the background.

Now, as he lies in bed, a mere shadow of his former person, I wonder how much longer he should suffer before release. It’s a battle we've all been fighting, knowing that the final wave would do us under, as is its wont. But still, there is always this tingling feeling of hope that something good may happen in the darkest of times.

My mom and I have never been this close… and I must say dad’s suffering was what did the trick! And we’re discovering newer strength in each other. Sure, there will be sadness… and tears in the dark. 

But I know in the end, everything will sort itself out. Hope… it makes the world go around… doesn't it?

Monday, September 1, 2014

Oy Vey!!

Today was a day of mixed feelings… just like almost any other day. But the difference is that today, I managed to feel the best of feelings with the worst!

H-chan, my soul sibling, (One of my soul siblings! But you get the point!) is back from Shanghai. It was quite the surprise when I walked into work today, already tired of all the imbeciles that I encounter during my commute and more inside office, when I see his refreshing face and that dazzling smile welcoming me to work! Sure, he’s going to be around only until his work permit is ready but hey, I’ll take what I can and be mighty grateful, thank you!

And then there was the horror that was a meeting with the higher ups who were smarting after having received a 3/5 feedback score from our Japanese clients. Now, they want us to come to work at seven in the morning and also work on Saturdays! If only they could see that people hardly have to interest to work five days a week in this project and they’re slowly beginning to loathe all things Japanese!

From the looks of it, I guess I had better start looking for other jobs. Changing two trains and then getting into a bus just to get there at an unholy hour as 7 am is just not happening! I’d have to board my first train at 5!


Why do things always go south after a vacation (even if I didn't go anywhere!)?!

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Soliloquy

Have you ever felt that sense of helplessness as you watch the people around you find meaningful connections to other people around them and you’re left all alone, unable to relate to the ones around you and yet unable to withdraw from it all and leave?

I guess people like me, we’re a doomed kind… we crave for the companionship but we’re never happy with what we have. It becomes all the starker when we find ourselves in the fringes. We’re never the centre of attention to anyone. We’re just the ones that people fall back on and then, when it’s time for them to move on, we’re left, cold and unwanted. 

Before people accuse me of being an attention monger, something that I've been accused of being, by a few, some as close as family, let me clarify. I am in no means villainizing the others. Power to you, well liked extrovert, for being all that I want to be but never can!

For those who've known me long enough, they never believe me when I tell them how much of an introvert I am. They have always seen my smiles and the silly jokes that it could never occur to them, bless their souls, that I could actually find it daunting to speak to someone I don’t know! They forget all too easily that when they first met me, they either thought me the insufferable bitch or the infallible snow queen. Time… how he changes minds!

But am I jealous? No. I know I can never walk up to a stranger and strike a conversation! I’d think up of a million scenarios where the conversation goes south and I never utter a word beyond that point. I am aware of the many opportunities I miss because of this habit. This blog was started initially so that I could lose my inhibitions baring myself to the world. But baring your inner thoughts on the internet is not even close to opening yourself up to people in the real world. There are no delete buttons and you cannot close your account when it gets overwhelming. You have to stand there and either suffer as the people around you pick you to pieces or you run away to some place where you know they won’t follow.

I am braver online than I am in real life. Funny… having been through the ordeals I’ve been through (and still am going through), people scoff and call me vainly humble when I tell them that I don’t feel brave. That I am not strong!

If I were truly as strong as they claim me to be, I wouldn't be here, writing this.

To all my friends, old and new, I love you! Please don’t for a moment, think otherwise. It’s just that when you run in that fast pace of yours, meeting and greeting strangers, being so confident with your accomplishments, smiling and dazzling the world, people like me get left behind. And sometimes… just sometimes, we feel an emotion akin to resentment. The reason I don’t outright call it resentment is because it isn't. What I feel when I'm in that position is a feeling of mixed guilt, disappointment and just a dab of anger with a copious dash of sadness. 

When we’re in a group and suddenly, I am not longer part of the conversation, I feel this emotion. Strangely, I seem to innately feel when someone else is left out. Maybe they don’t mind. But I feel them, and my attempts at including them in the conversation has irked quite a number of people. I guess we know what it feels to be left out, the introverts who’re dying to have someone pay attention to us… acknowledge our existence.

They lie when they tell you that love is the greatest gift of them all!

No… to be heard and to be seen… that is what everybody craves for. We humans are a depraved and pathetic species like that… it’s all about us… it’s always about us. And sometimes, when you’re left out, you realize it all too soon.

Friday, August 15, 2014

The pencil

They’re both present. They’re both ready. She seats herself in front of the speaker phone. Her notebook is already open to a fresh page and her writing instrument of choice is all set for action. The engineer seated to her right takes a peek into her book. She’s clearly written the date of the meeting and places her instrument across the page where she can easily pick it up again as she will have to.

His eyes widen just a little when he sees she’s used a mechanical pencil. He’s known her to be a stationery fanatic. But in this time and age, when everyone just grabs the nearest pen and doesn't think twice about it after using it, this woman seems to treat her pens and pencils like they were souls who feel the pain of misuse just like any living creature would. And a pencil? True enough, there’s a block of eraser that seems to be well cared for. One end looks unused while the other was worn almost symmetrically.

“Really?” he breathes, assuming her not to hear. But she does.

“Really, what?”

“You use a pencil.” His smile widens.

“So? What is so surprising about that?”

He idly picks her pencil up and deftly spins the pencil between his fingers. The call would start in another five minutes. She turns to look at him. Their eyes meet as she places her hands over his, stilling the twirling pencil. Brown gazes into blue.

“You really want to know?” her voice holds a tinge of mischief. He comes a little closer. She does not move back. The air conditioning in the room is the only other audible entity. Their lips are merely inches away.

“Try me, love.” His voice is deeper than usual.

Her hand on his chest is soft but firm. In an instant, she pushes him away and grabs the pencil from his grasp.

“I don’t like mistakes. With this,” she looks down at her writing instrument and then looks back at him, her smile widening,
“I can always right the wrongs…”

There is silence as their gaze is unbroken. And then the phone rings.


It’s business as usual, once more. 

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Jealousy...

I realize that I’m not exactly the most qualified person to be writing this… but I feel the urge to anyway. So, if I am not seeing things from your perspective, dear reader, I humbly urge you to forgive me.

Jealousy… that scaly green eyed drake that is said to awaken when we feel we’re not being appreciated for what we’re worth when someone else gets what is our due. The colour of green that adorns our thoughts at times. I’ve been a victim of his (her) charms quite often.

But this post is not simply about the sharp pangs of jealousy we feel when our colleagues or siblings get praised in out stead… this post is about the clawing of the beast within us when someone we love is attentive to someone else who is not us. The jealous lover who eyes his or her paramour lavishing attention on another person is someone we’ve all grown up listening or reading about… or being.

I’m sure there are cases where the jealousy is fully warranted and is but the most obvious reaction that is to be expected. But there are those cases where someone is so insecure that they cannot bear to see their special someone in the company of anyone other than themselves.

I’ve had friends who’ve embodied this type of jealousy. Women who have the best of men for a companion and yet, they’ve been nothing but miserable about how they fear the whole world is out to get their man. Yes, that may very well be the case, but what of the trust that they are supposed to have on their man? The one they chose over droves of other men… the one to whom they gave their hearts? The one who in turn chose them and the one who has the special smile and twinkle in their eyes reserved exclusively for them?

Please, don’t get me wrong, dear reader. Having been mostly single, I've always mused on this concept of amorous jealousy. And as much as I know it is bad, I wonder if I will feel its sting myself if and when I fall in love with someone. It’s a concept I am not entirely comfortable with.

I hope, when I do find someone, that the person I fall for be the sort of person who can be loved and loves everyone in return. Yes, I did say love. I shall pray for the strength and the trust to know that he will love everybody as we all should but in his heart, there shall be place for only a few… and that I shall find a place there. This jealousy that I speak of is not merely limited to those who’re most likely to replace us. It is also at times, directed at anyone who is close to the one we love. It could be a sister, a mother, a friend, anyone…

I shall pray that my man have a large enough family to cherish… a loving family that shall love him dearly and one with whom he shall have a strong bond. They cared for him well before I was in the picture. They have loved him unconditionally and in a way that I hope to emulate – maybe only to fail… but still, they’re an integral part of his person. And that means he is the person I choose to love because they made him that way. I should be grateful then, shouldn’t I? True that sometimes, people tend to take their significant other too lightly… I’ve personally been there… having been relegated to being a figure in the background as the man chose to lavish his family with attention. As much as I did not begrudge him for what should have been my share, in my case, he treated me with indifference that bordered on abuse. He refused to protect me when I've known men who’re not even romantically attracted to me did. But that doesn’t mean all men would be that way. And as much as it sounds silly, I wish to be part of his family… to see his loved ones as mine and to assure them that there is enough love to pass around without anyone getting the short end of the stick.
Am I being an idealist here? I don’t know. But this has been the way I've always seen the world and the people in it. As much as I am cynical about finding someone to love, I am sure that when I do find someone, I shall cherish that person and make it known that I trust them enough to share them with the world. Because I know, there’ll always be a special something that shall never be shared and being accorded that honour is in itself the greatest feeling!

But I know I shall feel the beast awakening within me at times… I am but human! But when that time comes, I pray for the good sense to look beyond the apparent into the actual. If my man is good at heart, I shall trust him until he proves otherwise. But whatever it is, the person dictating the way I react will be him.


And thus, I come to my final prayer – let me find someone worthy of my trust and love.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Remanence

The pristine white… nothing mars its surface. And I am loath to put pen to it, spoiling the perfection that is so becoming of it. But it cannot be helped. I've been deliberating on this exercise for so long, I feel any further delay will not be for the best.
But when you look at it, isn't it in these most tangible things that our lives’ memories are stored? An unwritten page… the drying ink well… the coffee growing cold… the splatter of the rain against the window pane. All those inexplicably tangible things… they all remind us of certain events in life.

Some of these events we cherish and bemoan the fact that they’re long gone, already a memory. And some, we wish would remain in the past and not ravage our minds with the pain we have associated with them.

This memory… of a lazy afternoon with the rain pouring from the heavens above… with just myself for company as my favorite song keeps playing in a loop – I’ve long since associated this with utter bliss. A time when things were so uncomplicated and simple. I claim simplicity is an illusion that one would do well not to cling onto. But I know I’m the hypocrite here. How I long for the simple past where I had stories to hide myself in… stories that I had made up in my mind, with characters from a well-loved book or from a television series that I just couldn't get my mind out of.

But it is the very fact that we can never go back to those simple times that makes them all the more precious. And all we have are remanences of those times left behind in the many tangible objects, the connection strangely and ironically intangible!
Maybe if given enough time, we can transfer our entire life’s essence into enough tangible receptacles to live on… even if only to the select few who can make the connection.


A moment immortalized until there be someone to remember. 

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Messages...

She is one of a kind. She wakes up in the morning, her dark brown tresses far from perfect. Her eyes are all groggy from sleep and on some days, the vestiges of her makeup from last night still cling on to her skin. She smiles sleepily into the mirror as she remembers last night’s conversation. She has seen too many men court her… become her friend, praise her wit and then get intimidated by the same thing that they praised. She intimidates them… and that has always left her with only herself for companionship. The men… they can’t seem to know what to do with a woman with brains and soon, the cold feet follow.


But this time, she swears it’s different, as she did for all of them in the past. The Kanji on the wall next to the mirror is a stark black against the white paper. “希望の正夢へ頑張ろう”. Her smile widens. Yes, she has toiled towards making her dreams come true. Her hand travels across the mattress, under her blanket and pillow until it grabs her phone. She smiles again thinking of how she dozed off in the middle of the conversation. He’s sent her some funny picture… a meme… a funny retort. Her silent giggles penetrate the morning air as she sends another in reply. And then, she waits. She waits for the telltale chime that a reply has come. The times are good for her. She can’t wait to go to work… to meet him.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Grumblings of a person denied a bath!!

It has officially been 2 days since there has been a “cable fault” near our house that has rendered our motor practically useless! That means it has officially been 2 days since I’ve taken a bath! And that too on a weekend! Yes, it bugs me a lot that I can’t seem to be able to wash my hair in what feels like a million years. But what this episode has helped me do is that it showed me just how much of an asshole the average human being can be.

My father is currently in a hospital undergoing blood transfusions, thanks to his Dasatinib medication giving him the roundhouse kick while killing away his cancer cells. And I’ve had a partially torn ligament (whatever that is!) that’s virtually left me bed ridden.

Add to that, douchebags for tenants and a really irritated father who’s just dying to take out his anger on random people for random reasons, I can assure you, it has not been a good weekend so far.
Ugh… it sucks to be hurt and dependent.

And in India, the people who work at the electricity board talk to you like they’re doing you some sort of favour repairing lines…. Like they’re doing it for free. I know as an Indian I ought to be numb to these imbeciles and their antics by now. But there are times when I wish for nothing better than to go and smash their skulls in and ask them how they like it now! Anger management issues, much? Hah!

All in all, it’s been a lovely weekend! I hope yours is going well!

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Workplace rants - on make up and people!

The decisive chime of the elevator indicated that I was in the 6th floor. This is where my office is. I step out of the elevator car and gingerly take a step outside the elevator car. I have a walking stick to do the job that my right leg ought to be doing. And the people are staring. Their eyes go from the walking stick to my backpack with its many badges and stuffed animals attached to it. I can sense the range of emotions that emerge from behind their eyes... sympathy, curiosity, disdain... I hoist my bag a little higher up my shoulder as I punch in my employee number. This will make sure I get paid today. Once that is done, I trudge down the corridor, swiping my access card in front of doors, making sure they open up without a problem. It gives me a sense of satisfaction knowing that I am allowed here... that I belong.

And then, I see them. My team waits for me. There are faces that show genuine worry in seeing me walking with the stick in hand. I smile at them. Wouldn't want them worrying now! Mani... my little brother - merely a child... he smiles as he pushes chairs out of my way, while cracking a joke at my limping in the most light-hearted way. Hari.... my soul sibling grins as we share the 'yep-I've-survived-a-torn-ligament-bitch-bring-it-on!' smile. But then, there are those who don't share the same amount of sincerity. 

One of them approaches me and the first question thrown my way is, 

"Sensei, you're not wearing make-up. It makes your face look weird. You don't look good."

I smile back, "I'm sorry. I didn't know your approval on how I looked was needed to progress through the day today, sir."

I see that the remark has done its job. The person's smile falters a bit and they then hastily add about what they really meant. They say I look sleep deprived. Yes, try sleeping with one leg burning like it's been dipped in flaming petrol, why don't you? They say I have dark circles. Yes... So? And when they run out of excuses, they scuttle back to their seats, pretending to go back to working. But I know they're still smarting and seriously, I couldn't give a shit!

And it gets me thinking. The other day, after days of shuttling between the hospital, for my really ill father and work, for my daily bread, I was left with absolutely no energy to put my face on. And that was when people started telling me how I ought to doll up a little. Now, as much as I don't have anything against people giving others advice, I always tend to see if the timing is appropriate. But I let that slide. 

When my father did get better and I was able to better afford time to actually put mascara to lash, the same people came about and jibed about how different I looked and how there were now layers of face paint. The same people who seemed to think of it as a cardinal sin to come to office without make up now ridiculed me for putting stuff on my face. I let that one slide too.

And now this... This was strike no. 3 and they were out... they had better start walking back to the bench!

I know we live in a society where women are forced to either doll up or apologize for dolling up. I am in no way against make up or for it. I am against people telling me what I should be doing with my face. I will decide when I'll put my make up on. I'll decide whether I wear pretty earrings for the day. I'll be the sole reason why I dress up. I don't dress up to impress my colleagues. I don't smell like some of them do. I don't wear shoddy clothing. My hair is not all over the place... so, why can I not decide when I need to put that lipstick on. And when I decide to put it on, why do I need to feel sorry about it?

There's just no pleasing some people... and then again, I don't need to. That's the good thing of being me!

Nasty ads up my turf!!!

Is it just me or is anyone else getting these weird ads on your blog's home page?

I don't know what happened, but I get these ads only on the first page. I also observed that I had this weird plugin called Adanak that seemed to pop up every time I did a Google search. I managed to find the adware in question and uninstalled it. But despite that, (the plugin in the search pages have long since vanished) I keep getting these ads popping up in my blog's home page. Mind you, it's only in the home page that I get to see these ads and only in the Chrome browser. I want to know if it's just my computer or if everyone is seeing these ads.

For anyone who's browsing through my site, if you find these ads popping up, could you let me know in the comments? That would be really helpful!

EDIT: The ads have seemingly vanished, but I would want to make it doubly certain. So, if there is anything weird with the blog at all, do let me know!

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Cold coffee...

The curtains dance in the wind. The steady buzz of the computer’s fan is the only sound in the room. It isn’t too hot. I don’t switch on the AC…no, I don’t need it today. There is a slight hint of a shower in the horizon. Yes, let it rain… about time it did! My hands scroll the roller of the mouse downwards as I see the Facebook page ride upwards.

Updates… of people from an age long gone by. Smiles, happiness, joy… all of the emotions that suddenly seem absent from my life. I know I sound like I whine… I know there are plenty of reasons for me to be truly happy. I know there are those who’re not even half as lucky and blessed as I am. And yet, the sigh that escapes my lips belies the fact that I am unhappy.

Stupid bitch! I scream in my head. Why do you give a shit what other people are up to? They sure as hell don’t! My eyes travel to my right leg. It’s heavily bandaged to hide the swelling that just does not go away. An injured ligament is what they call it. Hell’s calling card is what I call it.

A random acquaintance has gotten married, the stupid social networking site screams. She stands with her handsome as hell husband and exudes positive radiance… like a gazillion nukes going off simultaneously. I snort. I look at the vacant ring finger of my left hand. And I remember… how he held it as though prolonged contact could give him some horrible disease. I smirk as I think of the line he drew on our bed, commanding me not to cross over. A bit rich coming from a guy who looked like a walrus in a suit. Another sigh follows… marriage… a farce in my case! I click on the link that opens her album. She exhibits her wedding for the whole world to see. And rightly so! They look so happy… so in love. My thoughts again turn back to the day I saw him for the first time in person. An engagement that lasted a year did nothing to break the ice. All we spoke about was the stupid internship I’d take if I ever was to join his side as his wife… a job interview. That was what it was…it was always about the job I’d get. Never about the life we’d build together. I snort back a laughter as I think of the person I was back then. How could I have settled for so little? But then again, I look around me. There is nobody here. Little was all I had back then… compared to the nothing I have right now.

I sigh again… I seem to slowly be replacing my breathing with sighs. I truly wish her happiness as I close the album. I can’t afford to have them see me crumble. They say it’s much better out than in. They say I’m sure to get a good guy to look after me. Like I need to be looked after. They worry I’ll be all alone when they leave. Little do they know that I’ve always been alone. I’ve always felt this way even in a room full of people. And sometimes, being alone both inside and outside is worlds better than having to radiate a warmth I don’t possess surrounded by people who couldn’t give a shit.

I log off. My coffee has gotten cold… just the way I like it. I take a sip, savouring the sugary goodness that would be lost in the heat. Life is bittersweet. And somehow, it makes life all the more beautiful and precious. I don’t give a rat’s ass if I will ever find a soulmate… no… I’ve already found the perfect partner. My eyes dart her way as we walk towards each other. Our hands reach out to each other as I take in her messy hair and her lined eyes. Her eyes crinkle into a smile as our fingertips touch each other. The cold glass pane is all that divides us. Myself from myself. We take another sip and close our eyes.



We’re finally where we want to be, precious!