Cold coffee...

The curtains dance in the wind. The steady buzz of the computer’s fan is the only sound in the room. It isn’t too hot. I don’t switch on the AC…no, I don’t need it today. There is a slight hint of a shower in the horizon. Yes, let it rain… about time it did! My hands scroll the roller of the mouse downwards as I see the Facebook page ride upwards.

Updates… of people from an age long gone by. Smiles, happiness, joy… all of the emotions that suddenly seem absent from my life. I know I sound like I whine… I know there are plenty of reasons for me to be truly happy. I know there are those who’re not even half as lucky and blessed as I am. And yet, the sigh that escapes my lips belies the fact that I am unhappy.

Stupid bitch! I scream in my head. Why do you give a shit what other people are up to? They sure as hell don’t! My eyes travel to my right leg. It’s heavily bandaged to hide the swelling that just does not go away. An injured ligament is what they call it. Hell’s calling card is what I call it.

A random acquaintance has gotten married, the stupid social networking site screams. She stands with her handsome as hell husband and exudes positive radiance… like a gazillion nukes going off simultaneously. I snort. I look at the vacant ring finger of my left hand. And I remember… how he held it as though prolonged contact could give him some horrible disease. I smirk as I think of the line he drew on our bed, commanding me not to cross over. A bit rich coming from a guy who looked like a walrus in a suit. Another sigh follows… marriage… a farce in my case! I click on the link that opens her album. She exhibits her wedding for the whole world to see. And rightly so! They look so happy… so in love. My thoughts again turn back to the day I saw him for the first time in person. An engagement that lasted a year did nothing to break the ice. All we spoke about was the stupid internship I’d take if I ever was to join his side as his wife… a job interview. That was what it was…it was always about the job I’d get. Never about the life we’d build together. I snort back a laughter as I think of the person I was back then. How could I have settled for so little? But then again, I look around me. There is nobody here. Little was all I had back then… compared to the nothing I have right now.

I sigh again… I seem to slowly be replacing my breathing with sighs. I truly wish her happiness as I close the album. I can’t afford to have them see me crumble. They say it’s much better out than in. They say I’m sure to get a good guy to look after me. Like I need to be looked after. They worry I’ll be all alone when they leave. Little do they know that I’ve always been alone. I’ve always felt this way even in a room full of people. And sometimes, being alone both inside and outside is worlds better than having to radiate a warmth I don’t possess surrounded by people who couldn’t give a shit.

I log off. My coffee has gotten cold… just the way I like it. I take a sip, savouring the sugary goodness that would be lost in the heat. Life is bittersweet. And somehow, it makes life all the more beautiful and precious. I don’t give a rat’s ass if I will ever find a soulmate… no… I’ve already found the perfect partner. My eyes dart her way as we walk towards each other. Our hands reach out to each other as I take in her messy hair and her lined eyes. Her eyes crinkle into a smile as our fingertips touch each other. The cold glass pane is all that divides us. Myself from myself. We take another sip and close our eyes.

We’re finally where we want to be, precious! 

Anxious musings...

I wonder.... what does one do when a classmate asks you if you have cyanide or a .22 calibre pistol? Do you laugh at the person and walk away thinking perhaps the course was getting to his head or do you frown and bite your lip as you see someone you know suffer in the throes of depression.

Now, if you want to know what I did, I moderated between the two. But it still worries me to think that there is someone who's going through some kind of trouble and as a friend (to a certain degree), I knew nothing.

Now, this person isn't that close to me actually. He hardly talks to me per se... but well... I still respect him and I guess he feels the same way about him. And it has occured to many in my class (including me) that perhaps he is undergoing certain amount of depression.

And when he asked us all to give him a score on how he looked, I began suspecting maybe that is the reason of his insecurity. But he needn't exactly worry if that be the case. He isn't that bad looking a person. And let's face it... fifty years down the lane, most of us aren't going to look like Harrison Ford!

*sigh* And I also suspect perhaps he has been denied courtship by a lady. And if his looks were the reason, I seriously don't think he should go about worrying about that! I mean, look at me! I'm still alive even after having managed to remain totally oblivious to all the cute software engineers in Cognizant! ;D

Now all we can do is include him in all our group activities and hope to get him back out of his shell. Ai Elbereth! And they say girls are complex!