On Death and Hope

I shall skip the formalities of apologizing for my lack of posts and vacant promises on how I shall be more judicious with updates.

My father has met his maker.

Yep, the man who was a friend more than a father has finally taken the long rest. I was there by his side when he took those final rasping breaths… Every moment of that day is etched in my memory… and I have tiny panic attacks thinking of that day! But all that said and done, I am glad in a way. You see, when someone is in so much pain that they cry out for death every waking minute, Death comes to them like a blessing from Heaven above. He had severe internal bleeding and a complete loss of appetite… I am just amazed that his final moments were much calmer and painless compared to how he suffered in life.

I grieve every day. And I know that this is one feeling that shall not leave me for as long as I live. Everytime I see or hear someone interacting with their father… every time they talk about how they did this and that with their daddies… I shall smart inside. Because, I’m only human… 

That said, his death has made me a different person. I can now empathize with those who’ve lost a loved one. All those condolence messages that I’d sent before my father’s death seem so hollow and without life compared to the ones I send now. Now, when I say I know how someone feels about the loss, I don’t feel like a hypocrite anymore! And when I tell them that they’ll get over it, I don’t sound like a jerk. Because we do get over death… we do carry on. We do survive.

The grief is always there, it goes from being the numb unfeeling heaviness to a sharp pain in the gut to a remnant feeling that is in the backdrop of all things we do. My father was an amazing human being… a better human than most people I’ve met. And he loved making people laugh. Now everytime I see his photo, I smile… remembering the good times… knowing in my soul that he’s up there next to God, making him laugh!

If anyone who’s reading this has lost a loved one, know this, brethren… Your loss will make you stronger… you will survive! And you will become a beautiful testament to the power of Hope and Love!

Hope... or what's left of it

My father is terminally ill… there… I said it! It’s not easy being diagnosed with CML. And yes, when my father got the news six years ago that he had CML (a form of leukaemia), our entire family was shaken. It was like the whole family was diagnosed with it. So far, we’d only heard of people suffering from cancer. It was very much an ugly word that was synonymous to pain, suffering and death. Then, the drugs started and surprisingly, he had none of those side effects that one associates with chemotherapy. We’d joke, saying that he had a very expensive form of diabetes and that was all there is to it. We’d tell other people about how he was battling the disease like a champ.

We went through so much, in those six years. The ups and the downs. And then, a day came when his body just didn't take to the medicine like it used to. Fevers, bleeding, pain, drama… a good two months in various hospitals, with doctors wringing their hands and shaking their heads, we decided to just bring him home. The prognosis was that his disease had progressed from the chronic phase to the next phase.

It came as a shock. I guess we all knew from the start that the day would come when the diabetes jokes would stop. One more stop towards the end. And then, the real chemotherapy started. All the resolve I’d associated with my father had gone, replaced with despair and hopelessness. I had to be brave and tell him that everything would be fine, even if I knew I was lying. I had always wondered what feelings would come out in the open when the end would be here. Sure, we’re not there yet, but there’s a mixture of fear and sadness… and strange sense of calm in the background.

Now, as he lies in bed, a mere shadow of his former person, I wonder how much longer he should suffer before release. It’s a battle we've all been fighting, knowing that the final wave would do us under, as is its wont. But still, there is always this tingling feeling of hope that something good may happen in the darkest of times.

My mom and I have never been this close… and I must say dad’s suffering was what did the trick! And we’re discovering newer strength in each other. Sure, there will be sadness… and tears in the dark. 

But I know in the end, everything will sort itself out. Hope… it makes the world go around… doesn't it?

Soliloquy

Have you ever felt that sense of helplessness as you watch the people around you find meaningful connections to other people around them and you’re left all alone, unable to relate to the ones around you and yet unable to withdraw from it all and leave?

I guess people like me, we’re a doomed kind… we crave for the companionship but we’re never happy with what we have. It becomes all the starker when we find ourselves in the fringes. We’re never the centre of attention to anyone. We’re just the ones that people fall back on and then, when it’s time for them to move on, we’re left, cold and unwanted. 

Before people accuse me of being an attention monger, something that I've been accused of being, by a few, some as close as family, let me clarify. I am in no means villainizing the others. Power to you, well liked extrovert, for being all that I want to be but never can!

For those who've known me long enough, they never believe me when I tell them how much of an introvert I am. They have always seen my smiles and the silly jokes that it could never occur to them, bless their souls, that I could actually find it daunting to speak to someone I don’t know! They forget all too easily that when they first met me, they either thought me the insufferable bitch or the infallible snow queen. Time… how he changes minds!

But am I jealous? No. I know I can never walk up to a stranger and strike a conversation! I’d think up of a million scenarios where the conversation goes south and I never utter a word beyond that point. I am aware of the many opportunities I miss because of this habit. This blog was started initially so that I could lose my inhibitions baring myself to the world. But baring your inner thoughts on the internet is not even close to opening yourself up to people in the real world. There are no delete buttons and you cannot close your account when it gets overwhelming. You have to stand there and either suffer as the people around you pick you to pieces or you run away to some place where you know they won’t follow.

I am braver online than I am in real life. Funny… having been through the ordeals I’ve been through (and still am going through), people scoff and call me vainly humble when I tell them that I don’t feel brave. That I am not strong!

If I were truly as strong as they claim me to be, I wouldn't be here, writing this.

To all my friends, old and new, I love you! Please don’t for a moment, think otherwise. It’s just that when you run in that fast pace of yours, meeting and greeting strangers, being so confident with your accomplishments, smiling and dazzling the world, people like me get left behind. And sometimes… just sometimes, we feel an emotion akin to resentment. The reason I don’t outright call it resentment is because it isn't. What I feel when I'm in that position is a feeling of mixed guilt, disappointment and just a dab of anger with a copious dash of sadness. 

When we’re in a group and suddenly, I am not longer part of the conversation, I feel this emotion. Strangely, I seem to innately feel when someone else is left out. Maybe they don’t mind. But I feel them, and my attempts at including them in the conversation has irked quite a number of people. I guess we know what it feels to be left out, the introverts who’re dying to have someone pay attention to us… acknowledge our existence.

They lie when they tell you that love is the greatest gift of them all!

No… to be heard and to be seen… that is what everybody craves for. We humans are a depraved and pathetic species like that… it’s all about us… it’s always about us. And sometimes, when you’re left out, you realize it all too soon.

The pencil

They’re both present. They’re both ready. She seats herself in front of the speaker phone. Her notebook is already open to a fresh page and her writing instrument of choice is all set for action. The engineer seated to her right takes a peek into her book. She’s clearly written the date of the meeting and places her instrument across the page where she can easily pick it up again as she will have to.

His eyes widen just a little when he sees she’s used a mechanical pencil. He’s known her to be a stationery fanatic. But in this time and age, when everyone just grabs the nearest pen and doesn't think twice about it after using it, this woman seems to treat her pens and pencils like they were souls who feel the pain of misuse just like any living creature would. And a pencil? True enough, there’s a block of eraser that seems to be well cared for. One end looks unused while the other was worn almost symmetrically.

“Really?” he breathes, assuming her not to hear. But she does.

“Really, what?”

“You use a pencil.” His smile widens.

“So? What is so surprising about that?”

He idly picks her pencil up and deftly spins the pencil between his fingers. The call would start in another five minutes. She turns to look at him. Their eyes meet as she places her hands over his, stilling the twirling pencil. Brown gazes into blue.

“You really want to know?” her voice holds a tinge of mischief. He comes a little closer. She does not move back. The air conditioning in the room is the only other audible entity. Their lips are merely inches away.

“Try me, love.” His voice is deeper than usual.

Her hand on his chest is soft but firm. In an instant, she pushes him away and grabs the pencil from his grasp.

“I don’t like mistakes. With this,” she looks down at her writing instrument and then looks back at him, her smile widening,

“I can always right the wrongs…”

There is silence as their gaze is unbroken. And then the phone rings.

It’s business as usual, once more. 

Jealousy...

I realize that I’m not exactly the most qualified person to be writing this… but I feel the urge to anyway. So, if I am not seeing things from your perspective, dear reader, I humbly urge you to forgive me.

Jealousy… that scaly green eyed drake that is said to awaken when we feel we’re not being appreciated for what we’re worth when someone else gets what is our due. The colour of green that adorns our thoughts at times. I’ve been a victim of his (her) charms quite often.

But this post is not simply about the sharp pangs of jealousy we feel when our colleagues or siblings get praised in out stead… this post is about the clawing of the beast within us when someone we love is attentive to someone else who is not us. The jealous lover who eyes his or her paramour lavishing attention on another person is someone we’ve all grown up listening or reading about… or being.

I’m sure there are cases where the jealousy is fully warranted and is but the most obvious reaction that is to be expected. But there are those cases where someone is so insecure that they cannot bear to see their special someone in the company of anyone other than themselves.

I’ve had friends who’ve embodied this type of jealousy. Women who have the best of men for a companion and yet, they’ve been nothing but miserable about how they fear the whole world is out to get their man. Yes, that may very well be the case, but what of the trust that they are supposed to have on their man? The one they chose over droves of other men… the one to whom they gave their hearts? The one who in turn chose them and the one who has the special smile and twinkle in their eyes reserved exclusively for them?

Please, don’t get me wrong, dear reader. Having been mostly single, I've always mused on this concept of amorous jealousy. And as much as I know it is bad, I wonder if I will feel its sting myself if and when I fall in love with someone. It’s a concept I am not entirely comfortable with.

I hope, when I do find someone, that the person I fall for be the sort of person who can be loved and loves everyone in return. Yes, I did say love. I shall pray for the strength and the trust to know that he will love everybody as we all should but in his heart, there shall be place for only a few… and that I shall find a place there. This jealousy that I speak of is not merely limited to those who’re most likely to replace us. It is also at times, directed at anyone who is close to the one we love. It could be a sister, a mother, a friend, anyone…

I shall pray that my man have a large enough family to cherish… a loving family that shall love him dearly and one with whom he shall have a strong bond. They cared for him well before I was in the picture. They have loved him unconditionally and in a way that I hope to emulate – maybe only to fail… but still, they’re an integral part of his person. And that means he is the person I choose to love because they made him that way. I should be grateful then, shouldn’t I? True that sometimes, people tend to take their significant other too lightly… I’ve personally been there… having been relegated to being a figure in the background as the man chose to lavish his family with attention. As much as I did not begrudge him for what should have been my share, in my case, he treated me with indifference that bordered on abuse. He refused to protect me when I've known men who’re not even romantically attracted to me did. But that doesn’t mean all men would be that way. And as much as it sounds silly, I wish to be part of his family… to see his loved ones as mine and to assure them that there is enough love to pass around without anyone getting the short end of the stick.

Am I being an idealist here? I don’t know. But this has been the way I've always seen the world and the people in it. As much as I am cynical about finding someone to love, I am sure that when I do find someone, I shall cherish that person and make it known that I trust them enough to share them with the world. Because I know, there’ll always be a special something that shall never be shared and being accorded that honour is in itself the greatest feeling!

But I know I shall feel the beast awakening within me at times… I am but human! But when that time comes, I pray for the good sense to look beyond the apparent into the actual. If my man is good at heart, I shall trust him until he proves otherwise. But whatever it is, the person dictating the way I react will be him.

And thus, I come to my final prayer – let me find someone worthy of my trust and love.

Cold coffee...

The curtains dance in the wind. The steady buzz of the computer’s fan is the only sound in the room. It isn’t too hot. I don’t switch on the AC…no, I don’t need it today. There is a slight hint of a shower in the horizon. Yes, let it rain… about time it did! My hands scroll the roller of the mouse downwards as I see the Facebook page ride upwards.

Updates… of people from an age long gone by. Smiles, happiness, joy… all of the emotions that suddenly seem absent from my life. I know I sound like I whine… I know there are plenty of reasons for me to be truly happy. I know there are those who’re not even half as lucky and blessed as I am. And yet, the sigh that escapes my lips belies the fact that I am unhappy.

Stupid bitch! I scream in my head. Why do you give a shit what other people are up to? They sure as hell don’t! My eyes travel to my right leg. It’s heavily bandaged to hide the swelling that just does not go away. An injured ligament is what they call it. Hell’s calling card is what I call it.

A random acquaintance has gotten married, the stupid social networking site screams. She stands with her handsome as hell husband and exudes positive radiance… like a gazillion nukes going off simultaneously. I snort. I look at the vacant ring finger of my left hand. And I remember… how he held it as though prolonged contact could give him some horrible disease. I smirk as I think of the line he drew on our bed, commanding me not to cross over. A bit rich coming from a guy who looked like a walrus in a suit. Another sigh follows… marriage… a farce in my case! I click on the link that opens her album. She exhibits her wedding for the whole world to see. And rightly so! They look so happy… so in love. My thoughts again turn back to the day I saw him for the first time in person. An engagement that lasted a year did nothing to break the ice. All we spoke about was the stupid internship I’d take if I ever was to join his side as his wife… a job interview. That was what it was…it was always about the job I’d get. Never about the life we’d build together. I snort back a laughter as I think of the person I was back then. How could I have settled for so little? But then again, I look around me. There is nobody here. Little was all I had back then… compared to the nothing I have right now.

I sigh again… I seem to slowly be replacing my breathing with sighs. I truly wish her happiness as I close the album. I can’t afford to have them see me crumble. They say it’s much better out than in. They say I’m sure to get a good guy to look after me. Like I need to be looked after. They worry I’ll be all alone when they leave. Little do they know that I’ve always been alone. I’ve always felt this way even in a room full of people. And sometimes, being alone both inside and outside is worlds better than having to radiate a warmth I don’t possess surrounded by people who couldn’t give a shit.

I log off. My coffee has gotten cold… just the way I like it. I take a sip, savouring the sugary goodness that would be lost in the heat. Life is bittersweet. And somehow, it makes life all the more beautiful and precious. I don’t give a rat’s ass if I will ever find a soulmate… no… I’ve already found the perfect partner. My eyes dart her way as we walk towards each other. Our hands reach out to each other as I take in her messy hair and her lined eyes. Her eyes crinkle into a smile as our fingertips touch each other. The cold glass pane is all that divides us. Myself from myself. We take another sip and close our eyes.

We’re finally where we want to be, precious! 

Doing what you love, loving what you do

The other day, my mother and grandmother all but cornered me asking me what I was doing with life.
The fact that I was earning an average salary in a job I loved didn't seem to be a titular achievement for them. All their friends had children who were either going abroad for studying or for work.
Sure! They were using up their folks' funds like no tomorrow. But, that was immaterial! They wanted to know why I had settled for a seemingly simpler life as mine.

And I can assure you, dear readers... I was a bit disappointed. In them.... and in me.

Don't get me wrong! I love my job! I sincerely feel that every little thing in my life had been for preparing me for this job. Call it destiny, if you will? And furthermore, certain incidents have made sure that I completely re-think the way I lived life. I was very much a "people-pleaser" before. And now, I see that standing up for myself is what I should've been doing all along. Anyway, that's all water under the bridge.

But this... these accusations that somehow, I had failed in life if I did not earn more than the people around me... it fell upon me like the metaphorical 'sucker-punch'. And when I was reeling from its effects (read shed a few private tears), I realized something.

I am me. Yes, it ought to have been obvious by now! I have been going about, telling people to be happy for who they were while in private, I was still worried what my parents would think of me. I was still a closet people-pleaser. Sure, I had started to think for myself and take steps to make myself the most important person in my life (and my companion dog shares that place!). But it was such a radical change from the way I thought of myself from before! I felt guilty every time I did something good for myself, thinking how others were going to perceive it! Oh, heaven forbid! Will they think me selfish and self-centered? Will I not be the same kind and selfless person everybody loved me for!?

You know what? It doesn't matter! Sure, there were so many people who thought I'd changed and they were unhappy with what they saw. And ironically, they were the same people who would always expect me to be there for them, even when I couldn't possibly be! But in the end, I was happy! Truly happy!

I didn't feel wretched every time I did something for myself! I felt loved... and I realized that this is me. This person filled with all these funny quirks and weirdness! This unique work of God or Nature or whatever! This soul who lives and feels the same way as anybody else! Yep... this is me!

I walked back to my mother and gave her a piece of my mind. Sure, she knew it by then that the words she had used weren't exactly kind ones. So, we met each other half-way. We're back to a seemingly normal life now. But I know they will always be them and that's something I need to live with!

And now, my father wants me to look into some job prospect that promises me the Heaven and the Earth.
Like I said, they will always be them. And I will always be me.

Of books and their worlds

How often is it that we find ourselves in a place that fit us as people and as dreamers so perfectly? A place where one feels at home... even if one were to visit that place for the first time! A place that sometimes, confined to the yellowing pages of books we grew up with...

I've always had a deep love for books and what they can teach. And oh, how much does a good book have to convey! It cannot be measured... probably it varies with how much one can learn. A good book is the best of teachers. There is no ego. The words do not change and yet, in those seemingly lifeless pages, there is a force that changes the reader so subtly... so beautifully... so magically!

I've had quite a long history with books. When my friends would play house and imagine themselves to be caught in the mires of the adult world, I escaped to the world of wizards and elves. No, I didn't become any character in the books I read. I was merely the faceless observer who had no part to play. Yet, being that observer gave me such a sense of belonging that I loathed putting away some of my books. I dreamed of the numerous worlds I read about. I yearned to go into them... to live them out. But never take part in them. The part of the anonymous and unaffected observer was all I sought.

One such book that touched my soul is "Silmarillion". True, it's not as famous as "The Lord of the Rings" but there is something about this work of Tolkien that manages to lure me in... I've read it a thousand times and every single time, it shows me something new. No two readings are the same! It's amazing how one can rediscover what one thought one knew so well and realize that everything is not as one thought them!

In Silmarillion, I could always relate to some character or the other and in no two readings have the characters ever been the same. And every time I open the book, I feel at peace! My world could be crumbling around me but as long as I have this book open in front of me, all will be well! I shall forever be indebted to Tolkien for giving me this wonderful gift!

Do you have a book that makes you feel this way?

You'll always be my family!

My best friend of twelve years got married today. And as can be expected, it was a glorious day! And this post, I dedicate to her,

My dearest friend,
We've been through so much and we've stood strong in the end. We've been silent and we've seen friendships fall to dust. And we've still smiled at each other with a knowing look that not all the gold in the world could compensate for. I know I haven't always called you... I haven't always texted you... we've never had sleepovers and we surely never baked cookies together. But I also know that even when we haven't been in touch for months together, the very sight or the very sigh in our voices manage to convey all that we want to and not all the texts and phone calls and sleepovers can ever manage to recreate the same magic that innate understanding invokes in us.

You have been a pillar of support in every trouble I've faced. I don't know if I've ever been that perfect friend that quotes are written about. I can only hope that I've been at least half the person that you truly deserve for a friend!

And my dear, I know it is unfair of me to cling on to you when you take flight with the one who'll be the closest to you henceforth. I cannot be jealous! He has truly done good deeds to deserve a wife as beautiful as you. And I also know that it is only natural that the birds take flight to distant corners so that the nest is left behind as a reminder of the good times that were spent there. And those good times, I shall enshrine... always remember that we've been best friends and shall continue to do so. Even if your new family requires your attention more than anything else... even if newer additions come into the family... I'll always keep you in a special place - one that cannot be compared to anything or anyone else!

My dearest friend,today when you sat there, the very image of the resplendent bride,  I can say that there were none other who were more beautiful and divine than you! And for a moment, I felt so proud! Knowing that someone so beautiful had graced me with the honour of friendship, how can I not feel so?!

I can only say this... I know we shall remain just as close as we ever were even if we're divided by continents...by oceans... by worlds in between us.

I love you!

Ah... it's such an bittersweet experience when your best friend gets married... you know they're there. But you also know that it's not the same thing. And it's totally unfair expecting it to be so, either! I cried... yep! Bawled like a baby once I reached home, thinking of all the wonderful times we had! And knowing her, she knows how I feel... We're special... that way!

Anyway, I wish her all the very best of everything that is humanly possible! And if she ever needs a ear to rant to or whisper fears in, all she needs to do is turn my way.

What else are friends for? :)

Jane in love... In love with Jane!

As my previous post illustrated, right now, I am immersing myself in the world of Jane Austen. I've been doing almost nothing (other than Japanese classes and other household chores) but reading about this wonderful lady and the world as she must've perceived it. My mother is reading Pride and Prejudice right now and I am only hoping that she finds the book as magical as I did. In the midst of my queries regarding the lady, I managed to stumble upon a really interesting article about speculations about Ms. Austen's love life. For a lady who wrote such enchanting and believable romances that never bordered on the perverse but rather charmed the populace with the fluid gentleness and chastity that's lost on the world these days, one is made to wonder as to where her inspirations must have come from.

Picture © The Republic of Pemberly

And I believe I have something very interesting to share! Apparently the lady did have a gentleman at heart. Now, before people go jumping at me saying that they've known of it all along and there's even a movie made to that effect - Becoming Jane, let me clarify myself. The movie seems to take a few things for granted like the fact that Tom and Jane never eloped and maybe Tom wasn't as flirtatious as Mr. McAvoy portrayed it to perfection! (I somehow wish everyone gets someone like the Thomas Lefroy that James McAvoy played!)

But that aside, the article gives an insight into how Austen must have dealt with the romance that never could happen. This article also shows insights into what might have happened. I should say, my respect for the lady has gone up in multitudes when I realize that she was a person who seemed to have a subtle wit even when her world was unraveling around her. And it also takes away some of the "joy" I must feel when I read her works because, well... she probably was living her wishes through her characters and that is such a sad thing to happen to anyone!

It makes me wonder if we would have these wonderful creations had her lot been a happier one. But then again, would I prefer her happy? Can I, without an ounce of selfishness, declare that I would rather see her married to the man she loved than become the immortal legend that she became in reality? I don't know.

Ah... Sadness.... such a beautiful emotion. I wonder if life would be half as beautiful without this feeling of a huge lump in our throats!

The Game's way

Date: Two days ago...
The time was well nigh twelve in the afternoon. I was staring at the screen with concentration evident in my strained forehead. There was just about no way that I could've lost that game! My friend sent me a smiley as he probably saw the margin of his win. This was not happening! I was the one who'd taught him the game! It was I who had known of the rules ahead of him! I had been in "Guru" and yet, now I feel a little foolish. How on earth did I lose?! And that too with half the board having his coins! There's just no logic to it! It was time to recoup! It was time I'd come up with a stratergy. And then it hit me... my mistake...

Date: Today...
"I'm looooooooosing...." I could almost hear the tapping on his "O" key.

I smiled as I told him just how even the two of us were at that point. I hoped he wouldn't get what I meant. It was selfish of me... yes. But for once, I was playing like I ought to. And he had the first move. So, no complaints! And then he resigned... I had won. It felt enlightening.

Moral? The game of Go is not all about aggression. If one were to play like a bandit, one would get the random spoil. But to win it, one needs to play like a true shogun. To blindly attack is disastrous! I'm learning... who knows, maybe this might be one of the few things I'm genuinely good at? :)

Care for a game of Go? :)

Of cricket... fame... and other things besides.

The IPL fever has the country in its grasp and doesn't seem to be letting go anytime soon. And though I'm not the greatest cricket fan out there, I'm sure I am as acceptable as a normal twenty three year old can be. (the normalization of that demographic puts me in the waning side of the curve actually but well within it.)

And it just occurred to me. This format of the game makes heroes out of ordinary people and I'm wondering... why is it that we as a country are so drawn to this sport? I can feel a few growls as I raise this question and I should clarify. I understand the fervor that grips people of different cities as they see their team play it out against another team. A sense of universal brotherhood is prevalent as we see players who would be rivals in any other tournament enjoy a sense of camaraderie that is hard to come by in the other games. But still... it is a little overwhelming seeing people soar into the skies when they perform well and then plummet to the ground after a bad patch. The fans are sometimes (more often than not) cruel. And I feel sorry for the players.

This brings me to the next topic that's buzzing around in my head. Fame. There are very few who're immune to its effect. And those few are never known. How easily do we fall for the spotlight? How easily do we forget the hard path that we traversed to get to where we stand? And along with the path, the people who helped us in the dire times of the past also seem to slink into the darkness as the ones who now stand around us dazzle us with their radiance and the glitz of success blind us.

I've known a few of my friends who've fallen for the entrapments of success and I mourn for them. If it means that one would change into what a few of them are now, I don't think I need another degree behind my name. I'm happy being the oblivious person that I am, capable of bringing cheer to the very few who look up to me. And sometimes I wish the cricketers that I see being coronated to the status of gods would cease to be so swayed by the euphoria.

How else would one explain leaving a wife and family who'd been there with them through the tough times when someone younger and "prettier" and more comfortable in the "arc-lights" turns up? I don't say I hate them... hate is too strong an emotion that ought not to be used at all. But I am sure the ones you left behind... they would be crushed. And all those misdeeds need to be annulled somehow. So, beware!

Having said that, I must also say that there are a few who're extremely humble and level headed even in the midst of all this chaotic pandemonium. Hats off to ye and do rub thy wisdom on the lesser fortunate ones around you. :) 

Those were the good old days...

I remember a time when owning a TV was a luxury. A time when all that was on TV was Doordarshan. When the whole family (and the neighbors who didn't have TV) would flock around the magical box to gaze at the colourful scenes from some cheezy movie or an equally cheezy song sequence (almost always someone's dream with a batallion of background dancers in hideous costumes).

And now, every single person has a TV in their hands. Some watch it on their mobile phones, a few on their iPads and a few more old-school folks (comparatively that is) on their laptops. Out go the anticipated long distance International calls that come once a month and in comes the cell phones which can connect people across continents and oceans. That sense of a thousand butterflies flying in your stomach as you await your turn to speak with a loved one has all but disappeared.

With the arrival of cell phones came e-mails... and then texting and Twitter. And with this all, out went English as we knew it. I cringe inwardly everytime someone leaves out a letter morphing "don't" to "don" or worse "you" to "U". I find it vulgar.... but then again, I'm one of the very few who're still typing their messages out fully with all the punctuation marks where they are supposed to be.

I remember a time when a single error in grammar or spelling meant being caned in front of the whole class. Yes, it was harsh. But it also meant that I knew far greater number of words by the time I left school than what some of my college going contemporaries knew. And for once, I'm thankful for that. I've had a few of my friends marvel at what they deem is a pretty good hold over the Lingua Franca. If only they knew how I'd come to be a bit more proficient than them, it wouldn't seem so marvelous then.

Then again, maybe I'm on the losing side (though I fervently hope not!). But for once, I'm glad the proverbial "Greener grass on that side yonder" is proven wrong. 

Into Oblivion and no more.

I see you.... you with your meandering thoughts... you with your "what-ifs" and your "if-onlys". You have your own version of reality and I respect that. But why would you wish to impose that on me? I understand that what you feel might be the purest form of emotions Man ever felt after he ditched walking on all fours. But that does not mean I need to feel the same way.

Sometimes I wonder if we chase some people only because we know in our heart of hearts that we can never get them. That thought rings a bell and brings forth memories of a long-distance phone call when I knew the truth. It was bitter. But so is life saving medicine... Bitter... and then sweet.

I've let go of it all... I've realized that it hurts only when I think I can never have it. It's only a matter of time and healing to realize that I never truly wanted it or needed it. I am finally at peace with all the ghosts of the past. And you... you will be too. Just give it time. And then you'll realize how lucky you are not to have jumped the gun... Three years... and then, another face in the sand... sinking into oblivion.

On a completely different note, never trust a man who finds reading a chore. :)

.....................

Grammar Nazi... Nit picker... over enthused nerd... so many names for a single person.

And though I know I drive people away from me for being right, I refuse to change. Afterall, I shall be the one who shall laugh the last laugh.

My two cents

Have you ever been through a phase in life where you find that the people around you seem to realize you're existent only when they need something done through you? Are you one of those "best friends" who never get any replies to your "Good Morning!" messages or your casual well meant "Hi! What's up?" Well.... what can I say, people! Join the club.

I've had more friends than I care to count who've only smiled or spoken with me when they needed something done or when they were extensively bored. It's a funny thing, actually... I have a maximum of four or five "real" friends who'd actually turn up if I told them I was in an alley being mugged! And most of them would probably tap the mugger over the shoulder, hand him their wallet and grin at me as they join me, hands raised. It's a silly metaphor.... I don't even know if it is one! But that's deviating from the topic. You get the message... a handful of friends who would actually give a damn.

But even when I realize this, I don't let the others know how much of a jerk they're being. And anyone with a logical turn of mind would probably scoff at me right now, thinking what a Dodo I'm being. But hear me out before you pass your judgement, ye smart ones in the crowd!

Sure, they take me for granted. Sure, they don't return calls or texts and are perpetually busy. Sure, they suddenly seem to have remembered you at the same opportune moment when their project needs a fitting Preface and their puppy needs a new home. And I can get all vindictive and refuse to do whatever it is that they want me to do. But if you think that will drive in a point, you're mistaken. If they had that pinch of sensitivity, they wouldn't be trampling on well meaning friends, would they? Oh no... they'll have someone else who'd do it for them. And then, they'll return back to the ways of ignoring you completely... the only difference? Now, they have a "legitimate" reason to do so.

I prefer to help them in any way possible. Keeping it to the point without any of the friendly pleasantries friends would normally dabble in before getting to the topic, I give it to them, as they wanted. If I were to deny help, I'll be pulling myself down to their level. I will help people... not because I have to but because I can... And what others think of me when they ask me a favor is entirely their business!

Njanappana... chaos... attractors... brahmi... changes...me.

WARNING: A very long post ahead! :D
Just this morning, being extremely bored and tired of ramming in metallurgy into my skull, I decided I'd just randomly surf the net. And so, for some unfathomable reason, I had Poonthaanam's Njanappana stuck to my head and one particular verse kept repeating itself -

"കണ്ടു കണ്ടങ്ങിരിക്കും ജനങ്ങളെ

കണ്ടില്ലെന്നു വരുത്തുന്നതും ഭവാന്‍

രണ്ടു നാലു ദിനം കൊണ്ടൊരുത്തനെ

തണ്ടിലേറ്റി നടത്തുന്നതും ഭവാന്‍"

Meaning: If Bhagavan (Krishna) wishes, those people whom we see today may disappear (may be dead) by tomorrow. Again if Bhagavan decides, with in a few days (two or four days) a healthy man’s dead body may be carried to the funeral pyre.

Quite philosophical ne? And this set me thinking... human beings are so transient. In this gargantuan world, where everything doesn't remain the way it was a while back, change is probably the only constant. be it in people or in places... And that thought inturn had me reaching for the website with information on Poonthanam. I mean, here was a guy who so languidly depicted change with such profound a metaphor. Forget the question of the existence of God... it is true that our future is as inexplicably uncertain as it can get. Probably we can have a Lorentz attractor constructed for our future and we realize, it's deterministic chaos as with every other phenomenon we observe, with the degree of change in probable observation changing from one system to another... Okay... enough Science jargon! Let me get to the point.

All this talk on the transient got me into something that we all take for granted... languages. Yes, we think it's something that has always remained the way we knew it... or did it? I've been quite the buff as far as languages go. Sometimes, I let me Quantum mechanics slip when I meet some script that looks distinctly similar but so different. And you've got to admit... languages define us as a people and a culture and when one understands the language, one has understood the people who speak it. And so, I turned my attention to Brahmi. And for those who don't have an inkling what it is, I'm not referring to the medicinal herb that is being advertised like crazy these days! This is a script... a code for writing what was being spoken - a sign that Man had finally moved beyond just grunting random sounds and into the true folds of sapience and sentience.

Almost every single Indian language owes its present written form to Brahmi and it amazes me that the final product resembles nothing like how it looked ages ago!

The evolution of the alphabet 'NA' through the ages (click for a detailed view)

Amazing and so... beautiful, isn't it? Now, I have half the mind to take up the study of languages! :D

The lonely psyche amidst the crowd

They always say that Man is a social island and that no man is an island. If I could find the person who first decided to quote this, I swear I’ll kill him slowly!

Today, even though we have a huge crowd around us all the time, deep down inside, each person is as isolated as one can get. And this sense of loneliness is worse than truly being alone.

Everybody needs to get ahead of everybody else. There’s no place for the strong and for those who feel. To actually act human is a sin in today’s world. If you were to smile, it must be for obtaining something. If you were to hug someone, it’s most probably because you want something from them. It could be as materialistic as their money or as subtle as their presence… We have ceased to love just because we do.

And now, as I sit and wonder, I begin to realize that I am being left behind. I found it absurd that one should smile at someone for whom only the deepest hatred stems from our heart… all because we need that person for something or the other. Or that we can throw away someone we cared for just because they no longer are of any use to us. But now, I realize that I am some of the very few who actually feel that way. And today, there aren’t many who truly need me and so, they seem to want nothing to do with me. But to be brutally honest, everybody acting this way hurt someone or the other. Somehow we run from those who chase us and chase those who run from us.

Strange… and yet so beautifully saddening.

Letting it be...

Let it be....

I know it's difficult when things don't go the way you want them to. Just let it be. Sometimes, we wish we'd been more eloquent with how we felt... a million words float up our mind's deep abyss but we keep it all so hidden underneath a friendly smile. We fear so much that we let our hearts wither a little rather than have it broken.

Let it be....

What will happen will happen; whether we will or we won't. Like a tiny boat running away from the Scylla only to be in the midst of the Charybdis, some things cannot be avoided. And if it is meant to be, it will happen...whether we will or we won't.

So, as simply as letting the crumpled and stowed hopes of life flutter down to the snowy ground underneath, let it go.... let it be...

Relative is the word!

I'm sure almost all of us have undergone some really moving and sad events in our life. And for that one moment, we believe we are the most afflicted life form in the whole wide world. And I, as aloof and funny as I may seem, have also had such moments in my life.

I don't say we're being selfish thinking so, but somehow, I feel in the face of adversity, we tend to forget the world around us and concentrate only on ourselves. If only were we to look outside and see some of the others who've had and have troubles that we can't even dream of, I'm sure our own troubles will seem like disintegrating dandelions in the wind! Truly, troubles are of the 'relative' kind! Emotional bereavement to one is sometimes more unbearable than the loss of life to others. And as for me, life lost is always the most unbearable, no matter how many sad episodes I personally go through... life lost somewhere still manages to dwarf my own troubles to nothingness!

Right now, I feel the best way I can be happy is by having the ones around me smiling! And knowing that I am the reason why they smile, makes me happy automatically! :D

Here's to good friends and a cruel world that teaches us such lessons of wisdom well earned!