Sunday, December 27, 2009

Extraneous... is a good adjective!

Psssssst: This post might sound confusing and even disjointed at places. But this is just to get stuff out of me and I hope nobody gets burdened after reading this. If you are, forget it! There's nothing I want from you... not anymore. =)
Image © Perceval in Belgium via FlickrTruth be told, people! I am feeling so drained these days! And I'm not just talking about the tiredness that has set in thanks to the numerous project related debacles that fall at me every day!

I have been thinking... and it suddenly occurs to me... I am surrounded by many people and yet... I feel as though I am all alone. Now before I have angry and distressed protests from well wishers, I'll clarify that I don't particularly mind.

Ever since my school days, I have seen myself drift through various groups of friends... I merely was a catalyst in bringing together people and then, when the rest of the gang was close enough, I moved on... in good terms with everybody as they stayed in touch while I was slowly forgotten. And before people scream that I sound like a brat who's whining non-stop, I shall apologize for having given that sort of an image.

Now for the surprise... I actually don't mind moving on... now that I think about it, there was never a person with whom I've shared all my fears and aspirations... And no... I shalln't be starting now. I fear it is too late for people to come knocking at my doors, hoping to be my confidantes and waiting for me to bare my soul!

I remember a time when I was younger... I had hoped all my friends would probably hear me out when I was undergoing my bouts of depression... but it was quite a wake up call when I heard someone discuss how much they wished I wouldn't whine... especially when I hadn't opened up at all... I guess that was when I had decided that if they thought so when I was merely being friendly... and well, a little under the weather, god forbid! What would they say if I did open up? I understand that I am quite the tough nut to crack and I am not going to help people understand me. Heck! I wish I knew how! =)

But ever since that incident, I have always been the epitome of cheer outside... the regular funny girl... the one who supplied all the laughs... while deep inside, I sighed as I thought of how many more people would just laugh and not look beyond the smiles... And it occurs to me. They never will. And strangely, I am relieved to know that!

Having said all this, I should also add that my cat probably knows more about me than any person does! Strange? I find it soothing.

Image © Perceval in Belgium via Flickr

1 comment :

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