Of books and their worlds

How often is it that we find ourselves in a place that fit us as people and as dreamers so perfectly? A place where one feels at home... even if one were to visit that place for the first time! A place that sometimes, confined to the yellowing pages of books we grew up with...

I've always had a deep love for books and what they can teach. And oh, how much does a good book have to convey! It cannot be measured... probably it varies with how much one can learn. A good book is the best of teachers. There is no ego. The words do not change and yet, in those seemingly lifeless pages, there is a force that changes the reader so subtly... so beautifully... so magically!

I've had quite a long history with books. When my friends would play house and imagine themselves to be caught in the mires of the adult world, I escaped to the world of wizards and elves. No, I didn't become any character in the books I read. I was merely the faceless observer who had no part to play. Yet, being that observer gave me such a sense of belonging that I loathed putting away some of my books. I dreamed of the numerous worlds I read about. I yearned to go into them... to live them out. But never take part in them. The part of the anonymous and unaffected observer was all I sought.

One such book that touched my soul is "Silmarillion". True, it's not as famous as "The Lord of the Rings" but there is something about this work of Tolkien that manages to lure me in... I've read it a thousand times and every single time, it shows me something new. No two readings are the same! It's amazing how one can rediscover what one thought one knew so well and realize that everything is not as one thought them!

In Silmarillion, I could always relate to some character or the other and in no two readings have the characters ever been the same. And every time I open the book, I feel at peace! My world could be crumbling around me but as long as I have this book open in front of me, all will be well! I shall forever be indebted to Tolkien for giving me this wonderful gift!

Do you have a book that makes you feel this way?

Amusing....you are, good sir!

Today, I had a revelation of sorts. Today, I met a person who's managed to baffle me within five minutes of me hearing him speak. And I don't know what to make of it all!
Imagine this... this person seems to have such strongly grounded ideas about everything and some of the things he'd let out were purely unimaginably rude! And it pains me to see how skewed his perception of today's world is! I've realized, thanks to listening to him that when someone has three words to use, one should use a single word to convey the meaning.
And I personally come from a family that never boasted... ever! And being proud in whatever I do has always been an alien feeling for me. But I'm realizing that not everybody need share that philosophy. Today, this person was going on about how things were so much better and his loved ones were the ones who have done so well in life and when he knew I had people in the same field as his relatives seemed to singularly strive to find something to say that would make my point seem trivial. Seriously... it's okay! I've always known there are better people out there and so, there's no point trying to bring down another person. In the end, it only goes out to show how little I can seem when I indulge in such silliness.

Oh! art of conversation... thou art a stranger to that gentleman, aren't you?
In the end, now when I think about it, I'm happy I didn't just bite the bait and try proving him wrong. There's no point in doing that! Obviously the both of us are so very insignificant in the grand scale of things and reality is what we make of it. And the ultimate reality does not depend on what either of us thinks. Hmmm... sometimes, the best conversations are in the midst of even breaths and silence.

The Exorcist... and my views on Evil.

Disclaimer: This post does not condone to any sort of religion in particular and are based entirely on my views. I express my deepest apologies in advance if this post hurts anyone reading it.

I saw The Exorcist yesterday. It's touted to be one of the scariest movies of all times! And well, since I've always been game for a scary movie, I decided to watch it alone. Unfortunately, I found that the movie did not scare me as much as I'd expected it to. It all comes down to the person watching it, I suppose. As an Advaitin, I follow the principles that there is no absolute Good or Evil and that if something exists, it's because we perceive it. I've has so many friends who've tried to get me to fear the Evil One and have also gone as far as saying I'm an idolater. I have no issues with people having their own version of Good and Evil. But when someone decides to push their views onto me, that's when I really get wild.

Abrahmic religions have such a wealth of wisdom that there are times when I find no wonder in believing that the world's most practiced religion happens to be one derived from the same source. But then, there are times when I wonder why people of a particular religion would have to torment followers of another just for the sake of proving them wrong? I'm talking about centuries of torment, stigma and hatred that people of the Church had for anyone who did not follow them. I really doubt if the Inquisitors of the Dark Ages are really in Heaven at this moment. But then again, according to me, there is no Heaven and Hell... just complete realization of the Truth. Maybe this is why I find it extremely difficult to have Horror movies affect me too much. Sure, I get the inital chills and then I have my spiritual Guru (Swami Vivekanada) kick me in the rear and warn me that there is no absolute evil and all of it is subjective, and then I smile.

The second thing that got to me is the fact that how the Church had taken it upon themselves to demonize almost any deity that stood as an opposition to their progress! Coming to think of it, Ishtal, Baal, Ra, Kali and numerous other gods who were portrayed as deceivers. But to give the early church it's due, the Christians were also pretty much persecuted by the Jews and the Roman Empire, so it could all have been done in the mode of revenge. Though I understand their emotions of wanting others to see how wrong they are, it would've helped them to actually try seeing things from the other's point of view. Oh well, that's water under the bridge now, isn't it?

Anyway, if one were to ask me, I'd say people were a lot close minded in the Dark ages and it's sad that their lack of understanding (or their blatant refusal to try) has painted many philosophies with the dark taint of Evil. If only they could've understood that everything leads to the same destination and that everyone was getting there in their own way...

P.S. I found the demon's name Pazuzu from the Exorcist too funny to be scared... poor dude, if he were in India, he'd be teased like there's no tomorrow. For, you see, pazuzu rhymes with kakkoozu. And Kakkoozu means... well... google it out, why don't you? :) Oh, and Pazuzu was once again an Assyrian deity who was later "demonized".

Hmmmmm moments

Today, amidst the numerous blogs that I surfed, I noticed the darnedest thing! There are quite a lot of blogs out there which are really good and seem to capture the heart of the blogger so innately. The style of writing employed is almost excellent and yet, they seem more like pretty bowers nobody visits! And this got me thinking.... how important is getting noticed for writing? I mean, in case you're trying to actually make a career out of it, you might as well leave the blog behind and start writing a book or a play! And if you need to make money and yet continue to have a blog doing it, you might as well try writing about a particular aspect of the world. But seriously... should we really get worried about lack of patronage for blogs? Does it mean that a blog's not good if it does not have comments?

My personal opinion? I don't know if I speak for all bloggers out there or just for myself, but I feel that one should write for oneself. And yes, some external encouragement is always a welcome thing. But ultimately, one should not write for the reviews! And don't worry.... if you don't get comments, it does not mean your blog is bad. It just means you're being too anxious about it!

Of susuwatari and those silly childhood dreams

How often is it that we realize that in this rat race that we call life, we sometimes lose sight of the things that matter the most? I remember a time when, as a wee sapling, I'd play in my own world filled with imaginary friends. I had one particular friend who had kept me company throughout my childhood and adolescence. She was an awesome, witty and kind person who was like me in appearance. She guided me through moral tangles and had a word of rebuke whenever I did something I ought not to. She and I had fights... we danced together, she was always my sidekick when I was a super hero. And her name... I called her Muse. Why that? I never knew.... somehow, that name personified her.

The other day, I watched Tonari no Totoro and Spirited away for the hundredth time and somehow, this time, I was really attracted to the teeny tiny little soot sprites... the susuwatari... or as the little sisters named them, the Makkuro Kurosuke. After watching the movies, it got me thinking... Isn't it saddening to know that the innocent worlds of our childhood is so abruptly demolished by the "accepted world" of the teens and adults? Back when I was fifteen, it was okay not to have a boyfriend. It was okay to still play with the boys, it was perfectly fine to be a child. But these days, children as young as ten claim to have boyfriends, claim to apply makeup and get dressed the way adults do. And parents, amidst their busy schedule, forget that their children are still... children. They want them to grow up as soon as possible. They want them to be ready for a world that's unforgiving and brutal. And yet, they fail to realize that when they're out there in that cruel world as adults tomorrow, it's only those memories of a carefree childhood that keeps them going.

I should say that I was blessed to be born when I was. I didn't know the internet before I finished school. School reports were meticulously researched and hand written. Wikipedia was unheard of and the only source of information was the old "Tell Me Why" books and the jolly old library. Cell phones were unheard of and reality TV meant the live news. It was a glorious time to be a child. Too bad the kids these days lose that sense of innocence and child-likeness the moment they're seven or so.

What I wouldn't give to go back to those days... those days of wanton bliss when I didn't have to worry about outward pretenses and mortgages... I didn't need to care about dinner and running a family... when I could be me... with my muse and the tiny susuwatari for company.

Indeed they are...

The weather and women are so much alike.

The common cold is the vilest disease ever to plague Mankind! The climate at my place right now is exactly like that of a PMSing lady. It's sunny for a while and then, as though the the sudden floodgates of hormonal hell had been unleashed, we have torrential rains. And in the middle of it all, like the poor henpecked husband who can't seem to figure out what hit him, we have.... ME!

And to make matters worse, it feels as though the right side of my face is revolting to be a completely separate entity altogether! It hurts like all the cells there have finally had enough being just the face... it's almost like a revolution! As if that's not enough, the nasal snot is showing some pretty weird properties! The darned thing is really viscous but still free flowing. I've already done a post on that, so for the sake of my own sanity, I shalln't got there again!

To every single soul out there who's traumatized by cold or the weather or PMS-ing wives or girlfriends, Keep your spirits up, folks! That, and pass the broth, if you please! :)

The greener side of the fence on a Mobius world... is greener?

Isn't it weird? You aim for something with all your heart and then suddenly you realize that by some cruel twist of fate, you can never get it. And then as though to add further sleepless nights to your pathetic life, you realize those around you with whom you shared equal footing managed to get it. Everybody is happy and you're happy for them. But sometimes, in the dead of the night, you lie awake wondering if you truly are all that! And in some cynical rite, the entire world around you goads your misogynist ego.

Then, you see them suffer... The thing you aspired for wasn't all that great. You see them lament and spew ash around in despair as they cry out in agony. They wonder why they wanted it in the first place. They wonder if they had committed a mistake taking this up. They look at you and your simple preoccupations and the green scaly beast claws their innards. And as you sit in your little world of uncomplicated pleasures, you wonder if not getting it was that bad.

Like they say, "The grass is greener on the other side of the fence." But in a world whose topology is closest to the Mobius strip, is it really greener? Or more importantly, is it really the other side?

Arbit thoughts about an arbit event

In countries like mine, arranged marriages are the norm. It involves the parents hunting for that perfect bride or groom for their children and having a match that's based on so many different parameters. The horoscopes, the caste, the religion, the lifestyles... the list is next to endless! And when one finds all these parameters matching to a certain extent, (a perfect match is a hypothetical phenomenon!) the prospective bride and groom talk to each other. Now, there is the question of compatibility. Does the girl go on and on about her favorite saas-bahu serial? Or does he talk about work and very little outside work? The proposals are dropped then and there. And then, if the two people find that there is a very good chance of them being capable of cohabiting a room without boring the other person to death, they move on to the next step which looks like a business negotiation. Sure, there are quite a few families that don't expect anything from the girl's side and vice versa but there are an equal number of other folks who put their demands out into the open with not an ounce of compunction. Sometimes the talks stop then and there and sometimes, the negotiations are made and the marriage materializes on middle ground.

And after all this is over, the engagement happens. This is like an unwritten deal between the two parties signalling that the boy and the girl are reserved for one another and they can now talk freely and work out the kinks if any. Sometimes the engagement is the day before the wedding and sometimes it is a year before the wedding. And the girl and the boy are expected to get to know each other by then (read: the girl must memorize all of the boy's likes and dislikes!).

And then the marriage happens and the girl and boy are left alone to do what they will with their lives together. the grownups will interfere only in the gravest of cases (though the mother-in-law is more than happy to decide everything for the couple... she knows best!).

In the midst of this pandemonium, the girl and the boy are sometimes (more often than not), overwhelmed by it all. I'm in a way happy that arranged marriages these days involve more of the ones getting married than from my parents' times. But still... it is so overwhelming. If the guy is someone employed in some other country, then the girl needs to adjust and adapt to the new place immediately!

Then again, if all of this is so troublesome, why do so many people choose to get married? Why don't they just choose someone for themselves and then bring in the family at a later stage? The answer is quite simple. Irrespective of how advanced we might pride ourselves to be, there remains one corner in every one of our hearts that yearns to hold onto the frayed strands of a yesteryear age. One where everybody had a say... one where we were all one big family. One where selflessness was a virtue that wasn't just preached. And we know, in our wisest moments, that those were some good old times!

Humour of the Human thought

In a time when everyone wants to get ahead of everyone else, I came across an incident that made me stop right at my tracks and sit down and introspect!

• The XII grade results are out and everybody is out asking the marks of anybody who's given that exam. Now, I am sure that's natural. But unless the person is comfortable divulging their marks, one shouldn't pester them for it. And if they don't tell it, it is really silly to assume that they probably failed!
  
  
• The reservation issue is something everybody's talking about. But it just occurs to me how important and deep set this entire practice is! My neighbour is apparently a forward caste person in her state of birth but here, she happens to be backward. And strangely, her caste people are asking to government to recede their status to "Most Backward" in this state. Weird... I guess mine is the only country where people actually take pride in being called backward!
  
  
• Everybody has an idea of what their kids want to be. Some are sure they know best and little do they understand the trouble they're landing their kids into.

Ah well... just tidbits of thoughts that floated above my head... we live in a funny world!

Tidbits of wisdom with my pain balm.

I had just been complaining of a nagging pain in my back and shoulder blades when I had my mother dish out some of her trademark wise sayings,
"you know the worst kind of pain, daughter of mine?" She asked me as she handed me some of her pain relieving creams and I shook my head.

"The most painful ones, I guess?" I ventured a guess. She smiled.
"Nope! It's the one you get used to." With that, she just walked away to do whatever it was she had in mind, leaving me to absently massage my arm.

It got me thinking. Isn't that true? Not only in the physical sense of the word 'pain' but in the mental, emotional sense as well...

How many times do we take the hurtful deeds of the ones around us and just shrug it off saying that they love us and that they didn't mean it? Or that to object would be synonymous to deserting the offender?

To all by silent sufferers out there, don't worry. It's alright to point out that someone's hurt your feelings if you do it in a sane and polite way. One must remember that rudeness is a sign of weakness and we don't want our loved ones to be weak, now do we? :)

Hmmmmmmmmm.......I was just thinking........

I don't know how many of your dear people out there actually click on the "Next Blog" Link on the navigation bar on the top once your interest in the blog you're reading is exhausted. As a matter of fact, I find if rather humbling to know that almost all of the people who visit my blog and who've decided to follow it must've come across it using the tiny "Next Blog" link.

And it also occurs to me that my blog is most probably always preceded and followed by blogs of people who're very religious. Most of the blogs I find clicking the "next Blog" button from my blog are those speaking of communities where missionaries are helping build schools in Africa or something just as important. And I think how privileged I am... and in a way, protected. I don't think there's just one definitive religion in the world. We all travel towards the One Truth through different paths and sometimes, these paths cross. That's all. And seeing all this positive feelings emanating from the hopeful and happy messages from the authors of those blogs, it makes me wonder if it was God's doing to have my blog surrounded by those of the ones who work for a better tomorrow... perhaps his way of saying he's there for me... that he'll protect me no matter what!

Wow! If that's the case, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever told me or conveyed to me! :D 

The lonely psyche amidst the crowd

They always say that Man is a social island and that no man is an island. If I could find the person who first decided to quote this, I swear I’ll kill him slowly!

Today, even though we have a huge crowd around us all the time, deep down inside, each person is as isolated as one can get. And this sense of loneliness is worse than truly being alone.

Everybody needs to get ahead of everybody else. There’s no place for the strong and for those who feel. To actually act human is a sin in today’s world. If you were to smile, it must be for obtaining something. If you were to hug someone, it’s most probably because you want something from them. It could be as materialistic as their money or as subtle as their presence… We have ceased to love just because we do.

And now, as I sit and wonder, I begin to realize that I am being left behind. I found it absurd that one should smile at someone for whom only the deepest hatred stems from our heart… all because we need that person for something or the other. Or that we can throw away someone we cared for just because they no longer are of any use to us. But now, I realize that I am some of the very few who actually feel that way. And today, there aren’t many who truly need me and so, they seem to want nothing to do with me. But to be brutally honest, everybody acting this way hurt someone or the other. Somehow we run from those who chase us and chase those who run from us.

Strange… and yet so beautifully saddening.

Relative is the word!

I'm sure almost all of us have undergone some really moving and sad events in our life. And for that one moment, we believe we are the most afflicted life form in the whole wide world. And I, as aloof and funny as I may seem, have also had such moments in my life.

I don't say we're being selfish thinking so, but somehow, I feel in the face of adversity, we tend to forget the world around us and concentrate only on ourselves. If only were we to look outside and see some of the others who've had and have troubles that we can't even dream of, I'm sure our own troubles will seem like disintegrating dandelions in the wind! Truly, troubles are of the 'relative' kind! Emotional bereavement to one is sometimes more unbearable than the loss of life to others. And as for me, life lost is always the most unbearable, no matter how many sad episodes I personally go through... life lost somewhere still manages to dwarf my own troubles to nothingness!

Right now, I feel the best way I can be happy is by having the ones around me smiling! And knowing that I am the reason why they smile, makes me happy automatically! :D

Here's to good friends and a cruel world that teaches us such lessons of wisdom well earned!

I don't understand!

I had a friend I hadn't seen in quite some time drop in today. And she had some very happy news to share! She was getting married next week and wanted to invite me. I was so happy for her but unbeknownst, a small uneasiness crept into my thoughts. She was getting married... taking the next big step and she was my age. Would I be expected to do the same soon? My smile waned a little as I saw myself sit beside some person I didn't know well enough and smile demurely (as if demureness was a trait I possessed!). I remember joking about her meeting the guy of her dreams at her workplace when both of us got selected together to CTS. We even named the faceless stranger of her dreams as "Gautham". And now, as she smiled at me, her invitation at hand, I was wondering if she was giving up so easily... and then she said,

"I've found my Gautham, my friend!"

My smile waxed back to full form. She might not have chosen the person she loved, but she surely loved the person chosen for her.

Would I be capable of doing the same? I remember a colleague tell me how even after a year of marriage, there were still some things that were veiled to him... a sense of formality inbetween them. But his wife is expecting a child next year and I find it queer that so much intimacy has already been there between two people who can't even open up completely to each other emotionally... For them, begetting a child was just the next right thing to do... that was expected out of them.

I cannot for the life in me imagine myself getting intimate with a man that I do not trust completely! And that trust cannot be gained in just a few encounters! I first need a friend and only then can I even think of the next step!

I know I cannot say all these concerns I have to the people around me.... they might think me queer (more than before!). But, how can all this feel right? I don't understand.

When the cuckoo flies overhead...

The past few days has been quite something! I know I can't believe I'm saying this... but my house looks habitable... Heck! It looks so neat and pretty! I seriously didn't think I could achieve this in two days but I sure did! So now, when my uncle and his family (his -in-laws included!) drop in after three years, they'll see squeaky clean rooms and paraphernalia! And believe me, I've learnt my lesson of not hoarding up useless junk and throwing it away if I don't need it! Yes sir!

And it set me thinking. Why did I collect all those junk that I actually didn't need or finished using? Hmmmm... the reason might sound utterly ridiculous and I'm not sure how many people are going to kill me or laugh till they die once they know it! But what the heck! The reason was because I felt sorry for those things. Yes! I actually thought I was hurting the feelings of the used pen by throwing it away... I felt it would be thinking (yes... 'it' would be thinking... apparently some might feel I wasn't! :P) that I'd dumped it once my use for it was over... and so, every stub of used pencil, unusable erasers, torn notebooks, and every other sort of junk found its way into my room and stayed there! Well... being an only child, I didn't have too much company around... Even friends were few and far in between. Maybe that was why I grew up considering the feelings of all objects around me... living and non-living... because those things kept me company when I was alone. This sounds depressing ne? Ah well! :D at least nobody can call me cruel! So there!

And this sets me thinking again... I've seen more than my share of people move away... grow away from me. If people could lose interest and outgrow my friendship and acquaintance, how different am I from the so called 'junk' that I threw out today? People who'd spoken so happily to me don't even seem to recognize me these days... or maybe they choose not to. Maybe I'm just a part of a past that they have no need for. Ah well... here's wishing all of them the very best for their future and I pray they never get this sort of treatment... it hurts! :/

So.... out of place!

Have you ever had the feeling of suddenly, quite abruptly feeling out of place of sorts when you're in the midst of friends? I mean, one moment... you're all friendly and then suddenly, you get these vibes that maybe.... just maybe they're not that very into the entire "friendship with you" aspect.

Hmmm.... right now, I seem to be getting those sort of vibes from a few of my friends. It's kinda sad this way. Because, right now, I feel the loneliest I've ever been and for some reason, these few friends were the ones in whom I'm confided most of my secrets and apprehensions. Maybe that is why they inch away.... then I am to blame, ne? LOL... If you think you belong to this category, then I am very very sorry for having burdened you with my problems! :)

All in all.... right now is a very difficult time for me... but that's okay! I'll get through that all by myself, thank you! :)

Self discovery...is tough!

I suddenly seem to realize that most blogs out there that are more of the 'journal'-ish types are filled with posts on the author's self-discovery.... or the quest for it. I can't help but wonder if it's really that easy!

I mean, here I am. Right now, almost nothing's going the way I want it to. I'm feeling dreadful and am beginning to wonder if I am indeed good enough for anything I do! And to add fuel to the already ravaging fires in my heart, my own family seems to have given up hope on me. Now, I might sound a little more dramatic. But this is exactly how it feels and seems right now. And I wonder... have I discovered what I really want? Is a PhD in Physics my all time goal? Or was it just something that's really beyond my scope of things?

For all those folks out there who talk as though self-discovery comes right at you like a lightning out on the blue, I'll let you know; you're wrong!

Self discovery is one of the toughest things one can set out to do. And I'm not even sure if I'll find out anything at the end of all things!